One Liners

[GeeGee55]

J.T., you are good at this. Personally I don't know if an agent would quibble over the use of "and" or "for". Personally, I like the "and".

"And" here's mine - totally stealing from comments Kirrel put on my Query post.

Gus Kelman loses his baby boy to death, his wife to depression, and his farm to drought, but finds solace in nature and in the kindness of neighbours.

[J. T. SHEA]

I like BrokenChain's changes. Your one liner is very succinct, GeeGee55, but seems to present more a fait accompli than a struggle or conflict. Replace 'finds' with 'seeks' perhaps?

[A La Vanille]

My only suggestion would be to try and make it shorter, ideally fewer than 15 words. You could do this by taking out the "named Sarah" and rolling "kidnapping, murders, rape, and the occasional free drug hand out " down to one or two words that pretty much wraps up all that (not sure if you could find a word to do that, though).

If you need to look at more examples of this, you can check out the one liners in The New York Times Best Seller's List.

Cheers.

[Wolfe3141]

Hows about:-
'Homeless rocker girl Sarah runs a gauntlet of drugs, kidnapping, rape and murder to get her next gig and make enough to escape the mean streets and return to high school and a better life.'

For some reason it never occurred to me for Sarah to be mentioned later rather than first. Hmm ... I love the way this one sounds.

[Wolfe3141]

"And" here's mine - totally stealing from comments Kirrel put on my Query post.

Gus Kelman loses his baby boy to death, his wife to depression, and his farm to drought, but finds solace in nature and in the kindness of neighbours.

I'm interested in knowing more about this book :)