One Liners

The writing process, writing advice, and updates on your work in progress
GeeGee55
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Re: One Liners

Post by GeeGee55 » May 30th, 2010, 12:56 pm

J.T., you are good at this. Personally I don't know if an agent would quibble over the use of "and" or "for". Personally, I like the "and".

"And" here's mine - totally stealing from comments Kirrel put on my Query post.

Gus Kelman loses his baby boy to death, his wife to depression, and his farm to drought, but finds solace in nature and in the kindness of neighbours.

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: One Liners

Post by J. T. SHEA » May 30th, 2010, 2:29 pm

I like BrokenChain's changes. Your one liner is very succinct, GeeGee55, but seems to present more a fait accompli than a struggle or conflict. Replace 'finds' with 'seeks' perhaps?

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A La Vanille
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Re: One Liners

Post by A La Vanille » June 3rd, 2010, 4:25 pm

My only suggestion would be to try and make it shorter, ideally fewer than 15 words. You could do this by taking out the "named Sarah" and rolling "kidnapping, murders, rape, and the occasional free drug hand out " down to one or two words that pretty much wraps up all that (not sure if you could find a word to do that, though).

If you need to look at more examples of this, you can check out the one liners in The New York Times Best Seller's List.

Cheers.

Wolfe3141
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Re: One Liners

Post by Wolfe3141 » June 5th, 2010, 10:50 am

J. T. SHEA wrote:Hows about:-
'Homeless rocker girl Sarah runs a gauntlet of drugs, kidnapping, rape and murder to get her next gig and make enough to escape the mean streets and return to high school and a better life.'

For some reason it never occurred to me for Sarah to be mentioned later rather than first. Hmm ... I love the way this one sounds.

Wolfe3141
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Re: One Liners

Post by Wolfe3141 » June 5th, 2010, 10:52 am

GeeGee55 wrote: "And" here's mine - totally stealing from comments Kirrel put on my Query post.

Gus Kelman loses his baby boy to death, his wife to depression, and his farm to drought, but finds solace in nature and in the kindness of neighbours.

I'm interested in knowing more about this book :)

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