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An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 11:18 am
by Bryan Russell/Ink
Dust blew through the town of Forum. The windows in All Things Books rattled, the walls creaking. The Sheriff glanced over. A wonder the muddy glass didn’t just blow out.


The Sheriff spat into the dirt, unwilling to turn his head.

“Sheriff!” said Sam Procrastination, bustling up. “There’s a man, Sheriff.”

“Always is.”

“A man in a black hat, Sheriff. A desperado, they say. Biggybilly. A bad lookin’ man.”

“Where’s he from, deputy?”

“Don’t rightly know, Sheriff, but there’s some as says he’s in the Spam Gang. So’s I heard.”

“Them Spammers.”

“Yes, Sheriff.”

The Sheriff finally looked at his deputy. “And what did you do?”

“Well…” said Sam Procrastination. “I was rightly goin’ to do something, but…” He looked away, as if something were calling his attention yonder.

“Yep, so’s I thought,” the Sheriff said.

The Sheriff stepped forward, shrugging his longcoat into a comfortable position, the flaps pushed back behind his guns. Hands loose. He had a long, jangling frame. Big hands.

Men and women were already gathering in the street. Word spread quick in a small town like Forum. Sam had slipped away somewhere. No surprise. Probably had some laundry to do. Laundry never ran out.

And there he was. Biggybilly. A brute, knuckles to his knees. Pug nose, red as a whisky jar at sunset.

Biggybilly walked into the street. “You the Sheriff?”

“You the Spammer?”

“And what are you gonna do if I am?”

“Gonna shoot you down like that dog I once had. Ask Nathan, I called him. People always talking to that dog. Sometimes he answered. Good dog. Overworked, though. How to keep up?”

“I don’t care about your dog,” Biggybilly growled.

“Why’d you come to Forum, then? That’s what we got here. Dog stories.”

“I got stuff to sell. Cheap meds. Viagra. You need some?”

The Sheriff patted his guns and Biggybilly flinched. “Nope. Don’t believe I do.”

Biggybilly was twitching. He couldn’t stop. SPAM was written on his gun. He had to fire. His hand dropped quickly…

The Sheriff was quicker, his gun out and firing. Biggybilly yelled, clutching his side, and ran to All Things Finding An Agent, the local land dealer’s shop. Bystanders scattered. The Sheriff fired off a few more and Biggybilly tumbled down on the porch.

Dead. Too cold-blooded to even bleed properly. No need for cheap meds now.

“Sheriff! Sheriff!”

Sam. Back in the picture as soon as the firing stopped.

“You hit someone, Sheriff!”

The Sheriff looked at Biggybilly. “Sure did.”

“No, Sheriff, over there!”

The Sheriff looked. Someone else lying in the dirt. Blood. Not moving. Shit. Up one, down one.

“Who’s that?”

“Ol’ Greek Mythology. Took it straight in the heart.”

“Damn shame. Ol’ Greek himself. Always thought that beard would protect him. Good man.”

“Well… he did have that thing about swans, all amorou—“

“No need to speak ill of a dead man, Sam. A teller of tales, ol’ Greek. Liked the one about the flying horse, meself.”

“Ever have a flying horse, Sheriff?”

“Had one that jumped off a cliff once. Sort of flew on a downward slant, I admit.”

“What happened here, Sheriff?”

“Don’t rightly know. The ol’ six-shooter never did let me down before. Maybe it’s time I stepped down.”

“We need you, Sheriff,” Sam said, looking nervously down at his own gun. It was shiny, and didn’t even have his own fingerprints on it. “There’s more of the Spam Gang out there.”

“That’s the truth, ain’t it.” The Sheriff looked at the corpse. “Ol’ Greek. Had a few good ones, he did. Woman with snake for hair.”

“His ex-wife sure did sound like a piece.”

“Surely did.”

“Got some ink on your shirt, Sheriff.”

“Yep. Where’s the shovel?”

“Dry ground for digging, Sheriff.”

“Ain’t it always. But holes don’t dig themselves.”

Re: An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 12:14 pm
by Holly
Ink, hilarious. I thought you pulled the discussion because I'd just connected Greek mythology to UFOs and I'd better watch myself.

Re: An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 6:40 pm
by Bryan Russell/Ink
Nope, just one of my casual abuses of power. :)

And the amazing thing is that the spammer really was named Biggybilly. How great is that?

Re: An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 8:01 pm
by JustineDell
I always enjoy getting a piece of entertainment for the evening. Thank you, Ink.


Re: An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 9:02 pm
by Nathan Bransford
Ha - that's why you're the sheriff.

Re: An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 9:19 pm
by ganstream1
Salute for a very entertaining apology (^ _ ^)\

Re: An Apology to Greek Mythology

Posted: April 20th, 2010, 9:22 pm
by aspiring_x
that was amazing ink! a complete riot!