Would it be fine for you to give me some critiques? Thank you!

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davidtang963
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Would it be fine for you to give me some critiques? Thank you!

Post by davidtang963 » November 2nd, 2018, 11:35 pm

My first language isn't English; I don't know how to make this piece better or give it a better ending. I understand my diction and syntax is very simple, so please tell me any ways that can help me improve. I really want to be proud of my English writings someday! Thank you very much

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Close-Fitting Face

The heavy moonlight forces itself through the half-opened office door. (simple) A gust of wind whooshes past the slits of a silver curtain, breaking the silence (metaphor) of her overtime work night. It’s the third time this month she has been the last to leave the building. Exhausted, she ambles into the only elevator on the seventh floor. Upon entering the elevator she hits the button for the first floor; she waits for the door to shut as though it is a daily routine (semi-colon compound).
She raises her head. Her sight catches a six feet tall silhouette twenty feet away from her. The center of the shadow slightly expands and contrasts at a steady pace–it is breathing. A sudden terror stopped her heart(hyperbole) as she discerns a keen object gleaming under the moonlight, setting itself apart from the rest of the shadow. The elevator door starts to shut as the silhouette rushes into another door. It is heading for the stairs.

Floor Five
She can’t hear anything but the beating in her chest, and the sound of rushing steps within her mind (compound). Kata-kata. Kata-kata. Kata-kata. “Why now? Why? Why me??” Her voice cracked before she could scream. Slowly, her body lowers and curls into a ball of wet tissues.

Floor Four
“I'm sorry, the person you called is not available right...” beep. Beep. Beep. Panicking, she attempts to make two other calls, but no one seems to pick up at midnight. Trembling intensely, her unstable body caused the phone to slip past her palms and drops on the floor. The sound of the screen cracking made her raise her arms against her tightly shut eyes and let out a brief yet frightened scream.

Floor Three
“No no no I can’t die tonight, not like this, not in her hands.” She picks up the phone again and dials 9-1-1.
“Hello this is the Modena Police Department, may I have your name?”
“There’s a murderer on the loose. I’m at Panini Tessui, the main intersection is Viale dell’ Autodromo and Via Emilia Ovest. Please come here right now!”
“Madam, please come down. May I have your name?”
“Silvia Yemma! Now please come here right now!”
“OK please stay calm…. Wait, you are Silvia Yemma?? Aren’t you one of the genetically modified sisters who...”
Beep. Beep. Beep
Floor Two
Silvia feels as if the elevator drops at a much slower rate than usual, almost as if it is thrilled to enjoy the time to see her face swell with horror. (personification)

Floor One
The door opens.
“I know why you are here,” Silvia murmurs as her legs extend to support her upper body (complex), “I have no regrets.” She raises her head and sees nothing but darkness.
A sudden icy gush surrounds her face, tracing from the tip of her forehead to the front of her ear then down to the bottom of her chin, and Silvia bursts out crying in pain, but the gloom continues to blind her eyes. (compound-complex).
“Honey, that’s a lovely face you got there.” The voice is high in an unsatisfying way, almost sounding like fingernails scratching on the unpolished cement walls of a forsaken sawmill.
“Do you really have to do this??” Silvia cries, “We are adults! We are capable of communicating!”
“Communicate?” the voice chuckles, “You should’ve told our mother that when she modified our faces. Just shut up now, your face looks better when you don’t talk.”
“Listen to me! You don’t want to do this! ” She struggles, but the agony on her face is stopping her from making more movements. “Although mother modified me to have the so-called ‘perfect complexion’, you received the knowledge of mankind! Look at me, I’m just a stupid barbie working in a factory, but you are building technologies that….” Before she can finish, the pain intensifies. Next moment, red lasers surround her face and lighten up the entire surrounding. Silvia’s eyes caught a glimpse of the source of the voice. The shadow wore a mask. Silvia tries to open her mouth, but nothing came out. Suddenly, her face and her head start to separate. Slowly, the skin rips off of her muscles like pealing the soggy parchments of a yogurt cup. She loses consciousness as the skin under her eyes is separating. Ten seconds pass, and her body collapses on the elevator floor in blood and flesh. A long soft hand lightly picks up Silvia’s face from the ground, another hand takes off the white mask the figure wore. A dead white chin appears under the dim light and the corner of a mouth rises.
“I was right, you do look better when you shut up.”

=======================================

I know the dialogues and plot is REALLY CHEEZY, but I'm trying out new things. I really hope you can give me some suggestions, anything would help! Thank you again! *bows*

email: davidtang963@gmail.com

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: Would it be fine for you to give me some critiques? Thank you!

Post by J. T. SHEA » November 3rd, 2018, 12:35 am

This is a short, sharp and interesting piece that I liked. I did not find the dialogue and plot cheesy. Mysterious yes, but intriguing.

Are the bracketed words and phrases part of the text or notes to yourself?

The piece is present tense but you do lapse into past tense a few times, as in:-
“A sudden terror stopped (stops) her heart...”
“Her voice cracked (cracks) before she could scream.”
“Trembling intensely, her unstable body caused (causes) the phone to slip past her palms and drops (drop) on the floor. The sound of the screen cracking made (makes) her raise her arms against her tightly shut eyes and let out a brief yet frightened scream.”

“Madam, please come down.” I assume 'come' should be 'calm'?

“Silvia feels as if the elevator drops at a much slower rate than usual, almost as if it is thrilled to enjoy the time to see her face swell with horror. (personification)”
This sentence reads awkwardly. I would remove the words “...enjoy the time to...”

“Next moment, red lasers surround her face and lighten up the entire surrounding (area). Silvia’s eyes caught (catch) a glimpse of the source of the voice. The shadow wore (wears) a mask.”

I would add the word “area” after “surrounding”. And change the next two sentences from past to present tense.

Overall a good flash fiction type piece or excerpt. I would be curious to see what other readers think.

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