Re: Page Critique Friday 10/1/10
Posted: October 4th, 2010, 9:52 am
I love the idea of this story, but I'd like to be drawn in more slowly. With her soft voice, grandma (is she the main character, or will it be Kelly?) comes off as introspective, but still a bit nonchalent.
It was good for her to give the house to Kelly. Why? Was she not generous in life? How long has she been dead? I assume from the Polaroid that she knew Kelly, or of her, before she died. I too, was confused about how the lawyers took possession of the photo. And why would attorneys have to seek out the woman's own granddaughter, and how did the angels help? Wouldn't the transfer of property have happened fairly soon after grandma's death?
As a reader, I don't need all that information up front, but being immediately jangled by things that don't seem to add up threatens my suspension-of-belief. Your writing style comes across as warm and fluid, but I think the pacing and depth suffer due to tangled sentences and doubts.
Maybe this is a story that's close to you, and one you can tell from a perspective that can touch hearts. Please keep writing. Maybe you could leave this manuscript once in a while and work on something else, then go back to it with fresh eyes. When a piece is emotionally evocative for us, we sometimes believe that we've communicated something clearly when really we're just thinking and feeling it, yet not putting it wholly on the page.
Good luck.
It was good for her to give the house to Kelly. Why? Was she not generous in life? How long has she been dead? I assume from the Polaroid that she knew Kelly, or of her, before she died. I too, was confused about how the lawyers took possession of the photo. And why would attorneys have to seek out the woman's own granddaughter, and how did the angels help? Wouldn't the transfer of property have happened fairly soon after grandma's death?
As a reader, I don't need all that information up front, but being immediately jangled by things that don't seem to add up threatens my suspension-of-belief. Your writing style comes across as warm and fluid, but I think the pacing and depth suffer due to tangled sentences and doubts.
Maybe this is a story that's close to you, and one you can tell from a perspective that can touch hearts. Please keep writing. Maybe you could leave this manuscript once in a while and work on something else, then go back to it with fresh eyes. When a piece is emotionally evocative for us, we sometimes believe that we've communicated something clearly when really we're just thinking and feeling it, yet not putting it wholly on the page.
Good luck.