Query Critique 6/6/17

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query Critique 6/6/17

Post by Nathan Bransford » June 5th, 2017, 8:01 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog tomorrow, June 6th. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes. Thanks to Tamara Baker, whose query is below:

Dear Ms. Bloom,

My name is Tamara Baker, and I've written a historical novel, Doctor of Physick, that takes place in two eras spaced five centuries apart. The plot is as follows:

In the Yorkshire of 1478, a group of witches and a former monk have been given a vision of the future under the coming Tudor usurpation: a future of witch-burnings, religious oppression, and general tyranny under a string of increasingly absolutist monarchs. There seems to be no way to avoid this bleak future... except for this:

In the Yorkshire of 2013, Kate Larson, an American pediatrician, on a historically-themed holiday after winning a big lottery jackpot, suddenly finds herself flung back to 1478, and into the company of the very historical figure whose lot she would have most wished to improve: Richard, Duke of Gloucester, destined to become the well-intentioned yet ill-starred King Richard III of England.

There are many obstacles in the way, and few people who she can trust. Still, she is a Doctor of Physick, and possesses a good number of other skills in the bargain...

Doctor of Physick is the first novel in what I hope will be an ongoing series featuring Kate Larson. It is my first fully-fledged historical novel, though it is equally at home in the speculative fiction genre and perhaps the young adult field as well.

My previous professional writing experience was as a staff writer for the audio magazine The Absolute Sound. This is my first novel.

I thank you for your kind consideration.

Sincerely yours,

Tamara Baker

laxboi22
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Re: Query Critique 6/6/17

Post by laxboi22 » June 6th, 2017, 6:59 pm

Below you will find I've rewritten Tamara's query. I believe I smoothed it out a bit more.


My name is Tamara Baker. I've written an historical novel titled 'Doctor of Physick.' It takes place in two eras spaced five centuries apart. The plot is as follows:

In Yorkshire of 1478, a group of witches and a former monk have been given a vision of the future under the coming Tudor usurpation: a future of witch-burnings, religious oppression, and general tyranny under a string of increasingly absolutist monarchs. There seems to be no way to avoid this bleak future... except for this:

Flash forward to Yorkshire of 2013. Kate Larson, an American pediatrician, is on an historically-themed holiday after winning a big lottery jackpot. She suddenly finds herself flung back to 1478. She finds herself in the company of the very historical figure whose lot she would have most wished to improve: Richard, Duke of Gloucester, destined to become the well-intentioned yet ill-starred King Richard III of England.

There are many obstacles in the way with only a few people whom she can trust. Being called a Doctor of Physick, she possesses a good number of other skills in the bargain...

Previously, my professional writing experience was being a staff writer for the audio magazine 'The Absolute Sound'. This is my first novel.

I thank you for your kind consideration.

Sincerely yours,

Tamara Baker

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