NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Joined: April 27th, 2017, 11:46 am

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by prowriter6970 » May 15th, 2017, 1:57 pm


Imagine being hunted by something you can not see. A specter who disguises itself in the winds which chill and tattoo your flesh with goose bumps. What you cannot see, but yet you can feel like guided faith. It is back. Why did it come back with a vengeance over the lacunae in time? This time it will not leave until it possesses what was taken from its very essence; it’s heart.

The antagonist is a despicable avatar who covets the anger that savagely mutilated and brutally murdered a young man who appeared to be a woman. The only eye witness at the time was the victim’s eight years old younger sibling; now a married woman, Clarke Lattimore Capers. Decades have passed; Aaron Stone has been convicted and sentenced to death. A young trial attorney who seeks infamy through Aaron's cries of innocence has put the lethal injection on hold for one last time. Opening this case again was like opening Pandora's Box. The past clashes with the present and springs Harold Lang Esq. into a world he has never known when distinctions of reality become obfuscated by imposed surreal situations. Clarke’s assiduous task of attempting to permeate past reveries puts her in a delicate dilemma. Betraying her family by telling what she had always felt, or continuing to betray herself by what she thought she saw. There are two women whom emerge from her past with different remedies to what ails her. Dr Gretchen McQueen, a psychiatrist and Claudia Mobei, an omniscient who delves into the supernatural. These two attempt to separate the worlds that have clashed in comity. Is it all in Clarke’s head or is this her anathemic reality? Secrets unveiled will bring together comrades and adversaries. The scientific and the supernatural. But most of all unmask the miscreant who robbed Myair Lattimore of his heart.

This haunting novel will intrigue the same audiences of Tananarive Due and Simon Clark. The agency listed above is one of three queried on this finished project. Excerpts of the completed manuscript and synopsis are available upon request. Thank you for considering my novel, "Twisted Tongue,” for future representation. I look forward to your timely response.

Posts: 16
Joined: June 27th, 2017, 3:12 pm

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by hauntedsouls » June 28th, 2017, 3:08 pm

My query:

Dear Agent (proper name of course)

Can seventeen year old Leslie Shaw ever break free of her toxic and suffocating life in rural Saskatchewan? For most of her life Leslie has been bound to care for Carol, her irresponsible and alcoholic. Leslie’s life sinks further into chaotic desperation when her mother’s lover from a one-night stand, and her dying grandfather move in to their tiny home. Amidst the turmoil her mother relapses and is sent to rehab – again. In the months of caring for her grandfather, Leslie is entrusted with decades-old secrets, and the shocking choices made by the two men she is forced to live with. Frustrated and angry she enacts a bold plan to become an emancipated teen to finally escape Carol, and the wounded life they have lived together.

Prairie’s Edge a story of inter-generational relationships, the impact of addiction, and a young girl’s desire for her freedom is set in modern-day rural Saskatchewan. It is complete in 80,000 words. As an author, I have published one fantasy adventure novel for middle grade readers entitled The Bridge of Haunted Souls. I have also published several short stories, poetry and numerous articles in peer and professionally-reviewed journals. My writing also includes work as an instructional and curriculum designer. As a native of Saskatchewan, I have infused this story with memories from growing up on the Canadian prairies

In this space, I address my remarks to the agent, why I want to work with them, and the connections between my work and theirs. Then, a sincere thank-you.


Ilanna Sharon Mandel/encl.

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Joined: May 25th, 2018, 12:33 am

Re: NEW - Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Muse_Clio » May 25th, 2018, 12:37 am

Dear Mr. Bransford,

When war threatened their city, Briseis’ father sent her inland to safety, to an arranged marriage. Briseis had never wanted to be a queen, and the betrothal was her idea of hell. When the invading army sacked her adoptive city, her wish to escape her wedding day came true, but in the worst way. So now she sits, trussed up like a deer for the spit, in a tent on a beach, a war prize, no better than a slave. Her father is dead and her betrothed was cut down with his city; no one is coming to rescue her. Expected to amuse the man she fears above all others, she wants nothing but to be free again.

Prince Achilles has been trained since birth to be the greatest warrior his world has ever known. All he wants is to be remembered, and he’ll take it anyway the gods see fit. Ten years ago, he left home to find honor and eternal glory on the battlefield at Troy; instead he has seen only death and dishonor. But now there’s a kidnapped princess glaring at him from within his tent. She’s dirty; she’s been beaten and she hates him, and, though he can’t explain why, he likes her.

BRISEIS is YA Historical fiction/Mythical retelling, complete at 40,500 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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