Query critique 3/9/23

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 3/9/23

Post by Nathan Bransford » March 6th, 2023, 3:42 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear agent,

Dixie Griggs is too poor and too human. She is consumed by guilt after she taunts a girlfriend. She wanted to toughen her up, but instead she caused her to give it up - the girl killed herself. Dixie’s determined to find any distraction from her misery, so she signs up to be on a popular TV show called, “Who Wants to be a Hero?” The winner receives ten-million dollars.

She boards a ferry with nine other contestants to a remote island to stay in a plantation home remodeled after Chelsea in Charleston, South Carolina. In order to win, she needs to stay the weekend and solve this ridiculous quest based on Homer’s Odyssey. But soon the weekend takes a dark turn. One of the contestants is poisoned and Dixie realizes there is a killer among them.

The next day she decides to go with the “trustworthy” group, a well-meaning idiot, JAEGER, and a married couple: Jealous JO and her unfaithful wife, ELLEN to find a boat to sail off the island. This turns into a bloody bad decision when two more of them are killed and Dixie is left all alone. Putting the pieces together, Dixie realizes the contestants are dying in the horrible way found in the mythology poem she discovered in her bedroom the night before.

The poem starts with the line: Take one down with a poisoned berry and ends with dying at the hands of a flesh eating beast. At first Dixie thinks this is some mad man’s game to toy with her before killing her, until she encounters Circe, a goddess and the king of hell, Hades and she realizes the island is controlled by the same gods and goddesses found in Homer’s Odyssey.

In order to escape, Dixie will choose the aid of a goddess, the love of a killer and nasty bargain with Hades.

Please consider my adult supernatural thriller novel CAST TO DIE complete at 85,000 words. It is a re-telling supernatural-twist on both Homer’s Odyssey and Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. Cast to Die is told from the perspectives of the greedy victims and the absolution they seek for their crimes.

CAST TO DIE can be compared to WE ARE ALL THE SAME IN THE DARK by Julia Heaberlin and I AM WATCHING YOU by Teresa Driscoll.

The manuscript is available upon request.

Best wishes,

lundam
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Re: Query critique 3/9/23

Post by lundam » September 18th, 2023, 11:10 pm

Dear Corinne,

Thank you for sharing your query and the excerpt from your contemporary fiction novel, "AN AUDACIOUS WOMAN." I appreciate the opportunity to provide feedback and critique.

Overall, your query does a good job of introducing the premise of your novel and giving a sense of the protagonist, Eleanor, and the story's themes. The Pokemon Infinite Fusion concept of a quirky 85-year-old woman hosting a contest to bequeath her mansion to a stranger is intriguing and unique. The blend of diverse characters and exploration of ethical gray areas within gender norms, civil rights, and other controversial topics adds depth to the story.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved in your query:

Genre Classification: You mention that your novel falls under "upmarket Women’s Fiction." While it's great to provide a sense of the target audience, it's also essential to highlight that your book is contemporary fiction. Upmarket Women's Fiction can sometimes imply a more specific genre focus, and you want to make sure agents understand the broader appeal of your work.
Word Count: Your word count for a contemporary fiction novel seems quite low at 46,239 words. Contemporary fiction novels typically fall in a higher word count range, usually above 70,000 words. Agents might question the novel's completeness or depth with such a low word count. If your novel is genuinely complete and polished, it may be worth considering expanding it to meet the expected word count range.
Last edited by lundam on September 18th, 2023, 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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