Page critique 1/19/23

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 1/19/23

Post by Nathan Bransford » January 16th, 2023, 2:34 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Jack Dare waited until after five o’clock. That way the secretaries would be gone. No reason they should suffer through this. He glanced at his watch. Five-ten. The price of time was far exceeding the cost of working there even one more minute. If-only-I-had, if-only-I-had.

“Those are the saddest words in the world,” his father used to say. “Don’t wait for an invitation to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.”

Jack tossed his coat over his arm, hoisted his briefcase and headed for the records room where his law partner Warren Guillory stood before a bank of file cabinets riffling through documents. Guillory didn’t look up.

“Hey-uh. Well, how was Houston? Why’d Ed drag you all the way down there this close to Thanksgiving?”

Jack opened his mouth to respond, but Guillory rolled right on by.

“How’s ol’ Ed doing these days? Bet the poor bastard’s gone bald by now.” Guillory, who liked to brag his hair was as thick as pea soup had never met a bald head he didn’t take the time to insult.

“He's fine. Houston agrees with him.”

Guillory eyed Jack over his shoulder. “That so?” He pulled out a document, glanced at it, then stuffed it back in the drawer. “Greenhaven was never good enough for that prick. He wanted out of here as fast as he could go.”

Inventing facts was Guillory’s M.O., but Jack couldn’t give him a pass on this one. “Ed practiced law here for fourteen years, Warren. That’s not exactly hightailing it out of town.”

“Shit, you know what I mean. Ed’s was the poster child for unbridled ambition. President of this. Winner of that. Always on the make.”

Jack rolled his eyes, a gesture he would have skipped had Guillory been looking straight at him.

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