Query critique 12/15/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 12/15/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » December 12th, 2022, 5:22 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

NurenCorp sent a colony ship, the Venture, to Nuren-1821 one hundred and seventy years ago, but a suspensapod malfunction left no adult survivors. The children were presumed to be a lost cause, and Nurencorp abandoned them to a savage planet where humans without technology were nowhere near apex predators.

Saren, a girl of twelve, led as many survivors as she could in a daring escape from the Lord-of-the-Flies brutality that erupted in the wake of the landing. With the guidance of three children’s stories, a survival manual, and a rigid set of rules, Sarin’s group learned to live on the planetary surface.

Now, her ancestor Baron, already banished from the tribe of Children for genetically bonding with a Gralla against the council’s wishes, breaks the Children’s most forbidden taboo and visits the Venture. It’s not like they can banish her twice.

Those left in the Venture didn’t die as her people believed. They are still locked in a desperate battle for survival within the failing technology of the colony ship, fighting for scraps of food in a brutal hierarchical society called the Kings.

One fierce warrior, Alira, secretly protects a group of refugees that have escaped to live within the mechanics of the vessel and call themselves the Rats. When Alira glimpses Baron outside the ship, a human who must know how to live on the surface, she feels their salvation has come.

Alira and Barron must build trust with each other and the survivors to coax the remaining humans onto the planetary surface before the technology that makes food on the colony ship, fails and chaos takes the ship and all the lives on board.

NUREN-CORP-1821 is a space opera complete at 70,000 words. This is my first novel.

andrewmc
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Re: Query critique 12/15/22

Post by andrewmc » July 6th, 2023, 2:44 pm

Thanks a lot for sharing such an informative post Nathan! Is there a way how I can subscribe to your blog feed?

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