Page critique 12/8/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 12/8/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » December 5th, 2022, 5:43 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Genre: I'd like suggestions here. It is based in the future with a mix of action, mystery and faith.

New York, 2041

Caring For Orphaned Sparrows

"Angie, ready for our story," Claire asked perched on her bed in a pink frayed cotton nightgown. Claire studied Angie. She looked tired and ready for sleep.

“Can it wait ’til morning,” Angie said with a yawn.

"No, please, I want to know what happens with James,” Susie chimed in like a nosy Raven wanting to overtake them.

"OK, just a little then,” Angie said sitting up straighter.

"Tell us, um, where James is,” Susie said.

"Well," Claire stopped to think.” James got out of the tunnel he was in."

"He did,” Angie said getting out of her bed and sitting at the end of Claire’s,“where is he now?”

”So James came out of the tunnel but it was so bright that he had to adjust his eyes. He rubbed them,” Claire wiped hers to act out the scene as she stood up to continue, “and squinted toward the light. He had been in there so long he wasn't sure what was at the end of it."

“Hmm, yeah, I remember he was there too long” Susie said eagerly moving closer to Claire. “Can I act out the scene too?” She asked. Claire nodded.

"He felt a chill in the air,” Claire wrapped her arms around her body, "and wished he had a sweater.”

"I remember he had lost his shirt in the water, right?” Angie said rubbing her eyes.

"You're right Angie, he did…

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