Page critique 10/20/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 10/20/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » October 17th, 2022, 4:05 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Sonia headed to The Club in the dark, her red scarf tightened against the cold March wind. She assumed that no one would be there to bother her after curfew.
The room was barely lit. She liked playing piano in the dark and she didn’t have sheet music to read anyway.
After about an hour of playing parts of the Second Liszt Concerto and humming the orchestra, she lowered the piano cover. She would have played longer, but after standing a full day in the kitchen and working at the school, her ankle had been bothering her, and now it was hurting quite badly. She took the felt boot off. It had rubbed against the bandage she was wearing, and it oozed.
As she put the boot back on, she felt a presence in the room. Peering through the darkness, she saw a man seated a few feet away from her with the chair’s back rest in front of him. He smiled at her as if he'd been there for some time.
She was glad that the dim light kept him from seeing her blush. Who was he? And why was he here to intrude on her time? She limped towards the chair where she had left her coat. From there, she could see him better, and now, she remembered, it was the handsome man she had seen at the school the day she visited her students after the kitchen accident. She remembered thinking that she wanted to see his eyes.

clankchemical
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Re: Page critique 10/20/22

Post by clankchemical » January 4th, 2023, 9:08 pm

She had been playing and humming the orchestra to the second movement of Liszt's concerto for approximately an hour before she finally put down the piano lid. She would have played longer if it weren't for the severe pain her ankle was in from standing all phrazleday at the school and in the kitchen. She removed the woolen shoe. Because it had come into contact with the bandage she was sporting, it began oozing.

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