Page critique 9/29/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 9/29/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » September 26th, 2022, 1:21 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Trading with Neptune
Genre: Conspiracy Thriller
First 250 words:

Charles George Wordsworth walked to the wall of windows and struck a pose, one guaranteed to showcase his personal dignity, his inherent sense of noblesse oblige.
Twenty-three floors below, the Charles River for which he’d been named, lay frozen, a lumbering serpent arrayed in silvery hue. Fifty-two years ago, while attending the Harvard Business School in Cambridge, Charles had delighted in watching his river change its seasonal garb. But although he liked yellow daffodils and green grass and brown leaves as much as the next guy, his favorite season had always, decidedly, been winter.
Today, in mid-winter, the sun was bright, the clouds scruffy, and the sky a brilliant azure blue. A perfect foil for such a cheerless day, at least it was cheerless for him. Those poor souls pottering along in the streets below believed all was well with the world. That was an illusion that he had no choice but to help them maintain. Soon enough, the light shining in their eyes would darken and like dying stars, splutter out.
Picking up a silver framed vignette of Danielle, his recently deceased wife, he turned from the window and shook his head. According to a recent article in Forbes, he and she had formed the most prosperous partnership of the 20th century and that was going some considering that the competition had been the likes of JD Rockefeller and Andrew Carnegie. The article had given all the credit to Charles, his unparalleled business sense. But the truth was that Danielle had called the shots using astrology.

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