Query critique 9/8/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
Post Reply
User avatar
Nathan Bransford
Posts: 1553
Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: Pasadena, CA
Contact:

Query critique 9/8/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » September 5th, 2022, 1:34 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear [agent],

[personalization paragraph]

When eleven-year-old Gal takes a trip with her school to the Western Wall, she scribbles a note wishing her perfect twin sister, Sheera, gone. Gal slips the vengeful wish between the Wall's cracks and it transforms into an ancient scroll, offering to take her sister off her hands.


Obeying the scroll and entering the Western Wall tunnels, Gal unwittingly frees the demon of destruction, Asmodeus, who summons his army of demons to turn Jerusalem into a demon hive. Now the monsters are everywhere, destroying the Holy Temple and leaving peaceful citizens with no choice but to wear heaps of amulets around their necks to keep the evil spirits at bay. The only way to stop him is to kill a bunch of nasty other demons and journey through Sheol, the subterranean underworld. Gal finds her sister there, and both girls are sure they know the best way to defeat Asmodeus.



If the sisters can work together then they can protect Jerusalem and both get home safe. It turns out Gal has a pretty good aim for shooting Golems with her drone, and Sheera's isn't finding life such a breeze in a place where A grades are useless. Here, kindness is what protects you. The more Gal sees how special she is, the more compassion she grows. But if she can't forgive Sheera fast enough, they'll be stuck in Sheol forever.



Steeped in ancient Jewish mythology, THE DEMON FROM JERUSALEM is complete at 45,000 words. My book can be described as PERCY JACKSON meets Jewish demons and it will appeal to fans of Roshani Chokshi's ARU SHAH.

User avatar
J. T. SHEA
Moderator
Posts: 510
Joined: May 20th, 2010, 1:55 pm
Location: IRELAND
Contact:

Re: Query critique 9/8/22

Post by J. T. SHEA » September 5th, 2022, 9:40 pm

This is one of my favorites of the queries I've read here on the Forums. I might just rephrase two sentences as follows:-
“Now the monsters are everywhere, destroying the Holy Temple and leaving peaceful citizens with no choice but to wear heaps of amulets around their necks to TRY TO keep the evil spirits at bay. The only way to stop ASMODEUS is to kill a bunch of OTHER NASTY demons and journey through Sheol, the subterranean underworld.”
I await comments by Nathan and any others with interest.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 17 guests