Page critique 9/1/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 9/1/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » August 29th, 2022, 3:52 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

A Renaissance Affaire - Short Story
Phil Thomas
First Page

Josh Capra followed the young woman closely as she approached the wine-tasting grove. He’d been on her trail for over ten minutes, keeping a safe distance and nosing through the crowded allies of the Renaissance Faire. He wasn’t a killer by nature, but after a tight intake of breath, he palmed the blood-flecked handle of the small four-inch butter knife in his pocket. Having stolen it no more than one hour earlier from the Nachos of Nottingham food stand, it had proved to be an easily concealable instrument of death.
The woman took a seat on a stool around the nest of bodies dressed as court jesters and voluptuous wenches. She asked for a sample of Knight’s Reward, an unusually dry, popular wine at the festival. This scenario wasn’t going to work. With so many potential witnesses, someone was sure to see him retrieve the blade and puncture her spine. She was a lost cause, but he couldn’t give up now.
The body count was rising, and he was just getting started.

***
When Josh awoke that morning, the last thing on his mind was murder. He had thoughts of sipping honey mead, devouring ham on a bone, attending the horse joust, and spending the day wandering the annual Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire with his fiancée, Barbara, and his two friends.
It was something they did every year since working together at the Shake Shack. That was twelve years ago. Now in their thirties, they’d all transitioned to other careers, graduated from college, got on with their lives. But this was the one thing that brought them together every October, no matter what life told them. And this year was no different.

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