Page critique 8/11/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 8/11/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » August 8th, 2022, 12:35 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

¬¬¬¬Coming into Power
Chapter 1: Prologue: Introducing the lead characters:
Helen sat between her close friends, Slim, and Geova in Slim’s ancient white camper truck with the smooth front bench seat, which Slim had inherited from his grandfather. Every time they rode in that truck, Slim had apologized for the noise it made. She ignored his apology and enjoyed daydreaming about their music performance together that evening. She considered Geova to be the best fiddle player she had ever heard, and Slim’s guitar music always sounded perfect. The three of them made an excellent team. None of them had any way of knowing about the bolt of energy that would soon dramatically transform their lives and which was now at a distance approximately equal to six times the distance to the orbit of the planet Neptune.
She held their performance advertisement flyers on her lap. Slim had done a really good job when he designed this one. Their name, "Vocal Strings", almost seemed to jump out. She liked the way he used musical notes to make up the letters. Below their band name were pictures of the three of them. Geova, being the blond handsome guy, stood slightly behind and between them. She ran her fingers over the three figures in the picture, tracing out Geova's wavy blond hair, Slim's curly black hair, and her own long straight light brown hair.
When she had first met Slim and Geova, she had asked them about the origin of their names. Slim had said, “My name reflects a distant past. In Holland, it means that I am smart.” He smiled as he said this.

lorde
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Re: Page critique 8/11/22

Post by lorde » December 21st, 2022, 3:33 am

Yes, I am also waiting for your next post.
slope game

joanmckay
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Re: Page critique 8/11/22

Post by joanmckay » February 23rd, 2023, 1:39 am

Thanks for the great information!

vampire survivors

Yuksioa
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Re: Page critique 8/11/22

Post by Yuksioa » August 21st, 2023, 5:21 am

She had initially questioned Slim and Geova about where their names came from.
amanda the adventurer

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