Page critique 7/28/22

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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 7/28/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » July 25th, 2022, 11:34 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Bertie, Brave and True
Middle Grades Contemporary

First 250 words

The trouble started when my cousin Humph sat down across from me at our lunch table and wolfed down the first of the three slices of pizza on his plate. “That all you’re eating?” he asked, nodding at my plate.
“I might go back for a cookie,” I said. “Since when do you eat more than a half a slice of pizza? And why do you care what I’m eating?” He and our other friends, Vinh and Nolan, exchanged looks and snickered. I noticed they all had extra food heaped on their plates.
“We’re bulking up,” said Vinh. “That’s what we weight lifters say when we’re trying to put on a few pounds.”
“We’re hardgainers,” said Nolan. He crammed a handful of French fries into his mouth. “All three of us.” He coughed out a fry.
“That means our genes makes it tougher for us to gain muscle mass,” Humph said.
“Oh, your genes are the trouble?” I said. “ And you three body builders figured that out on your second day of working out?”
No one answered me.
“Did you see that guy pyramiding?” Vinh asked.
“Man, that guy was shredded!” said Nolan. The other two agreed, shaking their heads and laughing.
I don’t lift weights. I had nothing more to add to this exchange, and who listens to a conversation when he has nothing to add to it? Nobody, that’s who. Now you see how the trouble started. Hump forced me to look elsewhere for entertainment.

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