Page critique 7/14/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 7/14/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » July 11th, 2022, 5:36 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Gabriel's Fire
M/M Romantic suspense

Some people just deserve to die. Gabe found that out early in life that god made mistakes.
His mother lit into him before he even finished his late breakfast.
Gabriel Rios refused to look up from his cold cereal, when she curtly told him, “You’ll get a real breakfast when you get out of bed before noon.”
Never mind he’d been studying until two for an exam on Monday. Instead, he kept his gaze down on the pages of his current textbook, Quantum Field Theory.
“I like Cheerios,” he muttered. “Though sometimes it would be nice to have Captain Crunch.”
“Sometimes I don’t think you want to be part of this family anymore.” Relentlessly stirring the pot of champurrado simmering on the stove top, she frowned at him. The cloying smell of cinnamon and chocolate filled the kitchen. “It’s Thanksgiving. I’d think you’d want to spend today at home with your family instead of out cavorting with your friends. What would your father say?”
“They’re not friends,” he finally said. “They’re classmates and we’re studying for Fischer’s exam.” He wanted to say the guy was a ball breaker, but that would get him grounded for the next decade, even though he was twenty. Instead, he muttered, “And father would say he wanted me to go to college and have a better life than he had.”
“There is nothing wrong with the life we gave you!”
“Don’t you dare talk about my papa that way!” Maggie, his bratty fourteen-year-old sister had to chime in.

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