Page critique 6/16/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 6/16/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » June 13th, 2022, 12:04 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Lena, Wild Girl on the Prairie
Genre: Middle-grade fiction


The snake was the last straw.

Lena and her family had traveled over a more rutted road than Lena could ever remember riding. The constant bouncing was annoying.

Even worse, it made the two babies squall.

Lena's little sister Ida kept wanting Lena to play "finger game" with her, which was boring because it was not really a game. It was simply a four-year-old playing with Lena's fingers. At least Ida was quiet now. If not, that would have meant three screaming little girls.

Gene got to sit in the front seat of the wagon with Hiram, their stepfather, just because he was a boy. Lena and Ma sat inside the wagon, next to the little ones, not catching a breeze, and trying to endure the bumping.

Then there was the snake.

A big snake, acting queer, writhed in front of the wagon--led by Lena and Gene's horses--which caused the horses to rear up and stomp. Usually a snake would crawl away.

"Maybe it's sick," Gene commented.

"I hate to waste a bullet on the thing," Hiram grumbled.

Lena scooted to the front of the wagon to look.

Hiram yanked his head toward her. "Get back there and quieten those babies," he said.

She was not important to him, except to work. Lena decided to jump out of the back of the wagon and look at the snake. Hiram continued to try controlling the horses and keep the wagon from shaking too much.

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