Query critique 6/9/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Query critique 6/9/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » June 6th, 2022, 10:55 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Per your website I see that you are seeking books in the Fantasy Fiction genre at present, so I am pleased to introduce my work, Immortal Wounds, complete at 93,000 words.

When Isobel witnesses her mother and husband’s murder by a pair of vampires and hears one claiming to be her father, she uses a portal to travel to 1697 Scotland, to seek answers about her parentage. The portal, however, drops her off 100 years early, where she encounters three siblings, all residents of Elden’s Castle. The youngest, Meg, is full of magic and Isobel learns she has been feeding a vampire; the one who killed her family.

Meg’s magic allows him to see his mortal family that he mourns, while his venom gives her brief immortal strength. The bite marks, the immortal wounds that scar her wrist, are identical to ones Isobel’s mother had. Calling forth the portal again, Isobel takes Meg and they go to see Mariam who confirms that Isobel’s father is a vampire. She produces a diary that was written by the siblings mother. Inside it tells of their family legacy, the magical bloodline, and the prophecy from two hundred years ago that has shaped their futures.

After poisoning the vampire and believing him dead, Isobel decides to return home. Meg reads through her mother’s diary and tells Isobel that the vampire they killed, the one who claimed to be Isobel’s father and who was fed from Meg, is also Meg’s true father. Isobel calls forth the gateway one last time. During her travel home she realizes that her fate, dictated by the prophecy, took her where she was needed first; to learn about her family legacy and prepare future descendants for what is to come.

With a clear demand for books within this genre, I believe that it will appeal to a wide range of readers who enjoy stories in the fantasy realm.

I live in Fort Worth, Texas and writing fiction for adults has always been my dream. I have attended many writing conferences, joined several writing groups, participated in writing contests and have previously published 5 children’s picture books. Immortal Wounds is my first work of adult fiction and is the first book in a planned trilogy.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

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