Page critique 6/2/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 6/2/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » May 30th, 2022, 12:59 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

The Warren House Ghost
YA (I think or older MG)


Lizzy held the blade against her left hand. It glistened with the speckled rays of the morning sun coming through the window. Tired. She was so tired. Tired of not sleeping and never being good enough. She wasn’t like them. She couldn’t do anything the way a proper Warren would. As she stared at the knife, she realized that she couldn’t even kill herself properly. She wondered how a Warren would do that.
Startled by an unexpected shout from her sister Maria, Lizzy dropped the knife. She reached out to catch it but the blade sliced her palm. “Darnit!”
Lizzy pulled her bleeding hand to her chest. “What are you doing home?”
“What the…” Maria ran to the sink, grabbed a paper towel and rushed back to Lizzy. She applied pressure to Lizzy’s hand then brushed Lizzy’s red hair out of her face. “What the hell do you think you’re trying to do? Kill yourself?”
The cut hurt, especially with Maria holding it so tightly. Lizzy gasped but it came out rather like a giggle.
“This isn’t funny. You could have killed yourself.”
“I couldn’t do it.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me.”
Lizzy groaned the misunderstood groan of all youth, raised her eyes and sweetly said, “You saved me.”
“Jesus, Lizzy, I can’t watch over you anymore.”
Maria, still applying pressure, helped Lizzy get up. Lizzy staggered, a bit woozy from lack of sleep, or perhaps it was from the blood. It was so bright, so red.

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