Page critique 3/17/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 3/17/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » March 14th, 2022, 10:28 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

(Also: TW for abuse)

Anna Bell in ToyLand - Chapter I: The Fall
Genre: Young Adult, Fantasy

It is a cold, dark windy night. Anna Bell lies next to a great oak tree sobbing.

She hears her drunken father’s words echoing over and over “you shit, shit, shit’.

She can still smell his alcohol breath as his fist struck her face. Her lips and cheek throb with pain, blood trickles down her mouth. Leaves swirl around her like chaotic birds

Her father’s words keep replaying over and over her like cruel daggers.

“you’re a shit”, you’re nothing, nothing.”

“No, NO”, she screams and, for a moment the images scatter.

The dark voices return saying, “you’re a slut, you’re a whore, you’re no good”.

Anna Bell runs hard, fast.

Finally, she comes to a fence with a no trespassing sign. The sign is crooked, the letters are faded forming the words, “Danger, No Entrance, No Trespassing”.

She climbs over the fence. Only a few rotted boards are left of the coal mine entrance.

As a child she watched her daddy go to work. Her eyes would fix on him as he disappeared into the tunnel. That was many years ago. It’s been years since the coal mine closed for good.

“I love you babe,” daddy said as he kissed his only child before entering the cold shaft elevator.

“I want to go too daddy, take me with you”, Anna Bell cries as she runs stretching her arms reaching for him.

Mom pulls her back kicking and screaming.

“Shuss — you know daddy has to go work. He’ll see us later when he comes home”.

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