Page critique 3/3/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 3/3/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » February 28th, 2022, 2:19 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: MAN DOWN!
Genre: Thriller

“Man down! Man down!”

Ducking even lower, hiding his head in his shoulders, glad to be alive, the Chief Inspector looked across at his companion, “We can’t let this carry on. Is there nothing we can do, Sergeant? He's already hit six policemen. Six highly trained policemen. Some of them armed. I still can't pinpoint exactly where they’re being shot from".
The grey haired, hard looking sergeant was ex-army and knew a thing or two about being shot at. He took off his dark blue, peaked cap and banged it on his thigh to remove some imaginary dust. Slowly scratching his head, he raised himself up to try to get a better view of what was happening, quickly ducking back down again, body tensed against any bullets that may be coming in his direction.
He shook his head. He had no gun so there was nothing he could do anyway.
He shrugged. “There’s nothing we can do, Sir.” “We’re pinned down here ‘till someone can sort out a diversion and we can move to a better position.”
Replacing his cap, he sucked in a deep breath. He looked up in preparation for giving his opinion on the person or persons shooting at them. He wouldn’t normally offer advice to a superior officer but he knew this one had virtually no front line experience. He wanted to help.

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