Page critique 1/20/22

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 1/20/22

Post by Nathan Bransford » January 17th, 2022, 3:09 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title:
Horselords
by V.M.Sang
Fantasy
250 words

Kimi woke to hear sounds of horses whinneying. A gate creaked and she heard galloping hooves. Leaping from her bed she ran to the window of her small bedroom. There, in the darkness, she could just make out a herd of horses disappearing across the plains, with horsemen driving them westward. Her hand flew to her mouth.
Her window overlooked the corral where the family kept their best horses. These animals were now disappearing over the horizon. She rushed to her parent's bedroom. “The horses have been stolen.” She turned to her brothers' bedroom to wake them, too.
“Are you sure, Kimi?” her father called as she woke her two brothers. He came out of his bedroom pulling on a pair of the leather trousers the Horselords wore.
The girl came out of her brothers’ room, followed by the young men, Yeldin and Olias. The boys were older than their sister, Yeldin being the elder at almost twenty, and Olias was eighteen. Kimi would be seventeen at her next birthday in two months' time.
“Of course I'm sure, I heard the gate creak, then the sound of hoofbeats. I looked and saw them galloping off over the plains.”
Olias looked at his sister. “Are you sure they didn't just jump the gate, or otherwise break it themselves. Did you see anyone?”
Kimi looked at her brother and sighed. “I'm not an imbecile, Oli. Unless the horses have now developed a way of opening the gate, someone did it for them.”

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