Page critique 11/11/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 11/11/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » November 8th, 2021, 12:55 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Beautiful and Terrible Things
Genre: General Fiction

First 250 Words:

Charley jerked her head away too late. The scramble of bloody fur on the asphalt imprinted itself on her brain as a shudder coursed through her body. She stopped jogging at the edge of the two-lane thoroughfare slicing through the heart of Founders Park. Resisting the urge to flee past the carcass, eyes averted, she inched toward it, feeling an obligation to acknowledge the damage and her potential role in it.

The squirrel lay on its back, mouth agape in what Charley imagined to be a silent scream. A spot of red blossomed across the white canvas of its belly. A passing breeze fluttered the wispy tail, startling her. She shuddered again and embraced her torso, the internal heat from her morning run entirely dissipated.

“I’m so sorry, squirrel. I hope you don’t have babies at home who need you.”

At a loss for anything else to say or do, she moved on, crossing the street and continuing down the park trail. She broke into a fast jog, not to outrun the shower that had begun plunking generous droplets on the trail, but to hasten her trip home so she could bury the roadkill image behind her rigid morning regimen.

Back in her bare apartment above the bookstore, she stopped in the bathroom to turn on the shower—number one, then hung her sweaty jogging shorts and tank top off the sides of the laundry basket in her bedroom—number two. Number three, while the water warmed, she pulled out black jeans and a short-sleeved top.

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