Page critique 10/14/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 10/14/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » October 11th, 2021, 10:44 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Southampton, 2019

THE SHIP
Kit stamped her feet on the quayside to keep warm. ‘Where the hell are you!’ she muttered hugging her coat closer in the biting wind. She glanced for the umpteenth time at her mobile phone, but there was no message from her brother. In desperation she rang his number again and left an angry message.

The ship towered over her, making her diminutive figure seem even smaller as she tightly clutched the precious box to her chest. Its commonplace brown paper wrapping concealed its importance. Nobody would ever guess that her life was in that box, at least the foundation of it.

Kit’s eye was drawn to a tall thin man nearby; he was slowly squatting up and down as though to sit on a chair, but there was no chair. Then he began skipping without a rope. She looked away thinking he must be an exercise fanatic.
The noisy loading of new cargo jostled for supremacy over the excited chatter of the hordes of cruise passengers who were about to board. Kit could almost smell their excitement.

Her view of the horizon was suddenly blocked by the exercise fanatic. She blinked as he pointed his mobile phone at her and took a photo. Then he broke into a run towards the ship, but not before she had been greeted with his creepy smile and rotten egg breath. A shudder travelled down her spine and the obnoxious smell of his breath lingered enough to bring an unpleasant taste to her mouth.

She swallowed the fear that rose in her throat. Kit did not relish this journey alone, even though being incarcerated with her brother wasn’t a congenial option either. Where was he? Would he even come?

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