Query critique 9/9/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 9/9/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » September 6th, 2021, 11:46 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear {agent}
I saw on Reader's digest that you were looking for science fiction retellings. I'd love to introduce you to my YA Science fiction novel, CABLE.

What does it mean to be human?

Algebra, history, car repairs, and deciding who to ask to the Sadie Hawkins dance are enough to stress any teenage girl out. Add an explosion over her town and freakish metal parts with a mind of their own showing up in the family barn, and Mollie is up to her ears in weird.

When she and her father start assembling those parts, and their family togetherness project grows arms and legs, Mollie realizes they have more than a heap of rogue scrap metal on their hands. Soon their little secret becomes a big part of their lives, but government officials are searching the town and asking questions. Someone wants Mollie’s new android brother, and that someone might be the same person who blew him up in the first place.

The government doesn’t realize Cable is just a kid in the body of an android, and Mollie and her father will do everything in their power to protect him. However, the more they learn, the more they realize that the Army had an Armageddon-sized reason for blowing Cable up. After being reprogrammed by Mollie’s father, Cable isn’t the android he used to be, but with the fate of the world at stake, that might not be enough to save him.

Cable is a YA loose retelling of The Iron Man/Iron Giant with a touch of Pinocchio, because what highly-intelligent android wouldn’t want to be a real boy?

My three-book YA science fiction series, Fire in the Woods, is currently published by Month9Books in 2014, 2016, and 2017. I have spoken on local author panels and public television in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. I have also traveled to New York to sign at BookCon. I spoke on a panel for diversity at NCSLAA (North Carolina School Library Association), and I just returned from the SE-YA Bookfest in Tennessee.

Thank you for your consideration.

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: Query critique 9/9/21

Post by J. T. SHEA » September 6th, 2021, 12:59 pm

An intriguing query! Only one small caveat occurs to me offhand. While I have no problem with high profile comparisons, I would not describe my work as a retelling of someone else's, however loose. Something along the lines of “I believe fans of the Iron Man or Iron Giant will enjoy Cable,” might be better. Best of luck with this!

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