Query critique 7/29/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 7/29/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » July 26th, 2021, 12:58 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear {agent},

{Insert personalization} I am eager to introduce you to my debut fantasy novel, Induction.

How far would you go to fulfill a promise?

Daniel Tree believed he’d turned over a new leaf. A new town, a respectable job and a fantastic girlfriend overshadowed years as an orphan on the streets.

But after divine conscription, Daniel must serve for three years or death, whichever comes first. Starting tomorrow morning. Despite slim odds of survival and irrational fear of promises, he vows to return.

Kaedre, his god, sees Daniel as a tool with intriguing potential. To start, she’ll demand that he learn his new powers, reconcile his parents’ deaths, and join an assault on an enemy stronghold. If he survives his first week, she will invest more in him. If he dies, she has thousands of Chosen and will conscript more. A tool’s usefulness isn’t measured in longevity alone.

Within five days, Daniel will have to embrace his past while figuring out where his allegiances lie. He’ll also have to weigh the cost of breaking his promise against the means required to fulfill it. If he goes too far, wouldn’t it be better not to return at all?

This manuscript is complete at 97,000 words and the first of a three-book series, which is also marketable as a standalone work. I believe it would appeal to those who enjoyed Suzanne Collins's The Hunger Games trilogy and Leigh Bardugo's Crooked Kingdom, or similar works around fast-paced stories and gray moral conflict.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

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