Page critique 3/18/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: Pasadena, CA
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Page critique 3/18/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » March 16th, 2021, 11:06 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title - Girl at Sea
Psychological Thriller
David Burton

Chapter One

Willing to risk the sting of her husband’s palm, Emily Perrit asked, "Jamie, are you sure you have to go?" as she stood with her husband at the door to the garage.
Jamie Perrit let out a deep sigh. "Emily, you ask that every time I have to go out of town.”
"Can't somebody else go? You should be a vice-president and not have to go. You know I don't like to be here alone."
Jamie froze on the first step.
Emily tensed, arms tight across her chest, heart racing.
Jamie stepped back into the house. He grabbed her jaw with his free hand. "Emily," he said, full of disdain. "This is the last time we’re having this conversation. I'm only thirty-nine. There's no way I can be a vice-president until I'm forty. It's one of Mr. Teng's rules.” He gave her face a shake. “Don’t make me punish you. You know I don’t like to do that.” He gave her a final squeeze and turned to the door.
Emily’s body vibrated with the release. She breathed deep. Eyes on the floor, she nodded. It was an old argument which she never won. "When will you be back?"
"Late Friday."
"You told me Thursday. I got tickets for the symphony Friday night. We never go anymore."
"Don’t whine, Emily. I don’t like it. Get Rachel to go with you."
"She doesn't like classical music. You do."
"Emily!"
"Okay, okay."
He backed his BMW out of the garage. She thought he returned her wave then realized he only pushed the button to close the garage door.

B L Taggart
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Joined: March 19th, 2021, 1:02 am
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Re: Page critique 3/18/21

Post by B L Taggart » March 19th, 2021, 2:13 am

I don't feel qualified to review, but it seems to me there's a little too much dialogue for a first page. I think there might need to be a little more set up of the main character so the reader can connect to her. Dialogue is great for advancing the story but not so much for showing the reader who the protagonist is and why the reader should care about her. Good job of setting up a potential for trouble, but I'm not sure what the problem is specifically, except the husband is a bully. . .

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