Query critique 3/11/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 3/11/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » March 8th, 2021, 11:59 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.


"Don't go in, my dear. Don't go in."

Layla Akins heard these words repeated to her over and over in the same dream every night. The words were always spoken by her mother whose death had left her shattered less than a year ago.

Unhappy with her father and his new girlfriend, she accepts the nomination along with some other students to represent her school at the historic Model United Nations Conference taking place for the first time in Lagos, Nigeria.

Peace is all she was searching for and she believed that time away from home was what she needed. But the peace she desperately sought was non-existent as strange things begin happening at the hotel.

Other students that came to the conference start to go missing from the hotel. A malevolent entity walks the grounds bringing darkness in its wake. And a mysterious boy, a boy who may be more than any boy she’s ever met, could pull her into a world of wonder and intrigue if she lets him.

As tensions begin to run high among the conference attendees, Layla will have to decide if, despite her grief and weakened mental state, she is strong enough to resist the call of the entity or be taken into the darkness forever.

Complete at 71,000 words, THE VALLEY AT DUSK is a Young-Adult speculative fiction novel with elements of horror and fantasy. The character-driven plots with multiple POVs will appeal to fans of Stephen King’s IT, Leigh Bardugo’s Six of Crows trilogy, and the Netflix TV show; Stranger Things.

I am currently a lawyer living in Lagos, Nigeria with over a thousand followers combined from both my Instagram and Twitter handles @thejasonokan.

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