Page critique 1/14/21

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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 1/14/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » January 4th, 2021, 1:20 pm

UPDATE: because of all the news and distractions today, I'm pushing this post back to Thursday 1/14/21!

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: The Secret of Wildsea
Genre: Paranormal Romance
First 250 words:

“Move out of my way, darling,” Tari commanded with a confident smile.

Shadows filled the rented room, but Tari stood by the window in a single ray of moonlight, looking like an angel. Her skin glowed softly and her blonde hair shimmered, appearing almost silver. Her heavenly beauty contrasted with the black leather that hugged her long legs and cinched her small waist.

Darvyn tore his eyes from the deep V of skin exposed by her vest. Her pose and command were unconvincing. Had he ever refused her before? He chanced a look at her eyes, pale grey eyes, usually reminiscent of warm rain-filled clouds. Now they shone like icicle-daggers in a winter forest.

The cold scared him, but he ignored it. He blinked, reminding himself that she had betrayed Wildsea, had betrayed him.

He had invited her to this room, a room where they’d shared long hours of passion. But not tonight. Tonight, he intended to learn the truth about the woman to whom he’d given his heart.

She hadn’t confirmed or denied anything yet. He asked, “Who convinced you of this foolishness? Bring me to him, and together you and I will turn him over to the Council. You will be forgiven, but you must work with me.”

“Move,” she repeated.

In response to his stillness, she bent her elbow, resting her hand against her collarbone, a gesture that portrayed an almost childish innocence, but her eyes never left his. They held a sensual self-assurance

Goelzj
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Joined: January 6th, 2021, 5:15 am
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Re: Page critique 1/7/20

Post by Goelzj » January 6th, 2021, 5:36 am

“Move out of my way, darling,” Tari commanded with a confident smile.
This has taught me that when I start a work with dialogue, the context needs to be clear, such as a guard telling the MC to halt. That doesn't apply here. And the next sentence doesn't help because the speaker is simply standing, so why did she tell the MC to move?

Shadows filled the rented room, but Tari stood by the window in a single ray of moonlight, looking like an angel(looking like an angel is cliche; find a concrete, specific description that also shows the character's feelings for Tari.). Her skin glowed softly and her blonde hair shimmered, appearing almost silver. Her heavenly beauty contrasted with the black leather that hugged her long legs and cinched her small waist. (this description is getting pretty creepy. Maybe stop objectifying her? Maybe describe ONE trait that makes the MC attracted to her?)

Darvyn tore his eyes from the deep V of skin exposed by her vest(Oh my. Even in a romance I expect a little foreplay. Too much description of her.). Her pose and command were unconvincing (no idea what that means). Had he ever refused her before? He chanced a look at her eyes, pale grey eyes, usually reminiscent of warm rain-filled clouds. Now they shone like icicle-daggers in a winter forest. (And the description continues. Icicles don't relate to eyes very well.)

The cold stare? scared him, but he ignored it. He blinked, reminding himself that she had betrayed Wildsea, had betrayed him. (seems like you're trying to give us backstory, but there's not enough context to know what it's about.)

He had invited her to this room, a room where they’d shared long hours of passion. But not tonight. Tonight, he intended to learn the truth about the woman to whom he’d given his heart (lots of abstract, generic words).

She hadn’t confirmed or denied anything yet. He asked, “Who convinced you of this foolishness? Bring me to him, and together you and I will turn him over to the Council. You will be forgiven, but you must work with me.” (This could be the start, perhaps with one sentence before to set the stage.)

“Move,” she repeated.

In response to his stillness, she bent her elbow, resting her hand against her collarbone, a gesture that portrayed an almost childish innocence, but her eyes never left his. They held a sensual self-assurance (way too many words to describe a woman putting her hand on her chest. The action seems odd (one of defense) when she's apparently asserting herself.)

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