Query critique 12/17/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Query critique 12/17/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » December 14th, 2020, 12:16 pm

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear [Agent],

The day the Flemings adopted Nicholas was the happiest day of his young life. Until he met Lorelei. With flaming red hair and a gap between her teeth, Lorelei was the most fearless girl Nicholas had ever met.

After bonding over mutual sun allergies, Nicholas and Lorelei become inseparable. But Nicholas has a secret that no one knows yet: he’s part vampire. At least, he thinks he is. His adoptive parents think it’s a quaint fantasy, a game he plays with his sister. They don’t realize how seriously he takes it.

Trapped at camp by a sudden snowstorm after Lorelei suffers a skiing accident, too far in the icy mountains for the ambulance to reach them timely, Nicholas panics and does what he thinks a vampire should do: he bites her.

Angry and afraid for her friend’s sanity when Nicholas admits what he did to save her, Lorelei tells him to go away. She had no idea he’d flee to his uncle’s house in Egypt.

When the Arab Spring erupts in Cairo, it takes his uncle’s savvy (and some friends in high places) to get home safely.

Complete at 60,000 words, Children of the Night is YA fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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