Page critique 11/5/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
Post Reply
User avatar
Nathan Bransford
Posts: 1553
Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: Pasadena, CA
Contact:

Page critique 11/5/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » November 2nd, 2020, 10:27 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Music-makers
YA contemporary fantasy
251 words

Harp notes vibrated from Roisin's O'Reilly's phone. Shaking off a wave of dizziness, she dug into her faded black jeans. "Hey, girlfriend." She swung a leg through an open first-floor window and landed on the grassy edge of Philadelphia Music Academy's ball field. "What's up?"

"Where are you? You know I'm soloing at rehearsal."

"Like you've only mentioned a gazillion times." A leaf blower roared in the background, half drowning Roisin's words.

"What's that?"

"Nothing."

"Liar." Aizan added a curse word in her grandmother's Haitian creole.

Roisin laughed. "Don't let our grandmothers hear you talk like that." She drew a frown-face emoji with the worn heel of her black cowboy boot. Her voice tightened as she waved her phone with its broken screen. "Grand-mère is bringing Mom to a so-called spa in New York. They left this morning."

"Seriously? Don't move." Moments later a hand with gold nails shot out of the window and tugged a handful of Roisin's wavy auburn hair.

"Ow. Stop." She swatted Aizan's arm.

"Knew you'd be here." Aizan climbed through the window. "You can stay with me."

Roisin gave her a bright smile. "Thanks, but I'll be fine." (ital)I love the sound of my footsteps in an empty house.

"I'll ask Miss Sallie to make your fav creole mac 'n cheese." Leaning back through the window, Aizan swung out a battered violin case and pressed it into Roisin's hands. "Don't even think of skipping." She gingerly climbed back inside.

"Yes, Ma'am." Roisin snapped a salute.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 17 guests