Page critique 10/1/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
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Page critique 10/1/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » September 28th, 2020, 10:55 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Gravenhurst
Genre: Upper Middle-Grade fantasy
first chapter 213 words

The woman stood between two polished metal mirrors in the bottom of the castle’s locked, stone-walled keep. She was growing impatient. Stretching her arms out from her sides, her fingertips grazed both mirrors. Sparks that glowed the ugly greenish color of rotting olives grew from both mirrors, combined into a rope of sparks, and snaked up until it exited at the top of the keep.
A tall razor-thin man, wearing a coat made of black feathers, stood on top of the keep with his arms reaching to the sky like he was going to catch a football. The snake of sparks formed a large ball between his hands and then, with lightning-like speed, shot into the sky.
Deep in the bowels of the keep, the woman began to laugh. Finally, she thought, my plan begins. Her smiling lips pulling back to reveal teeth that were half rotted but still sharp, still sharp after a thousand years. Finally.
3,640 miles away, the sparks snaked their way through the windows of a cheerful yellow, colonial-style home in Michigan and found mirrors into which it could hide and wait.
The home did not know it was under attack.
And the children, the poor children. They did not know the madness that would be wrought upon them.

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