Query critique 9/3/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 9/3/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » August 31st, 2020, 11:43 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Encouraged by your interest in XXXXXXXXXXX, I’m hopeful you’ll consider my novel, THE ROBBER. My completed, 98,500 word manuscript is set in the south, and while the characters are quirky and flawed to be sure, they're redeemable. Think of it as a DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD with a Christian theme. I believe this story and these characters would resonate with fans of both mainstream women's fiction as well as uplifting Christian literature.

It starts with a baptism. An older woman crippled with shame and regret wonders if her life would have been different if she'd made better choices. If she'd resisted temptation. If she'd overcome her insecurities and the pain of her childhood. In other words, if she'd been more like her best friend and rival.

Told in first person, the chapters alternate between two young narrators, ROBIN and DESIREE.

Although their petite appearances are strikingly similar, ROBIN and DESIREE (DESI) have little in common. Robin has lived in the small town of Shady Gully, Louisiana her whole life while Desi comes from the big city of Albuquerque. Robin’s family is devout, reserved and dedicated to church. Desi’s never been to church, her parents are divorced, she has a new step-dad, and her Mom, SUNNY is as flamboyant as they come.

As their unexpected friendship blossoms, this coming of age novel becomes a journey into adulthood. It resonates with the crippling effects of our insecurities, both those we inherit and the ones we own. The ending not only reveals whose baptism the story began with, but Desi and Robin’s revelation that there is only one true way to fill the emptiness inside, to quiet the lies, and to ultimately destroy … THE ROBBER.

I’ve written four novels and seven screenplays and am the recipient of various awards including the Silver in the PAGE INT’L AWARDS and the Actors Choice Award for my screenplay at SCSFe. I'm currently working on the follow up to THE ROBBER as it will be a series.

As per your submission guidelines I've XXXXXXXX. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
XXXX

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