Page critique 8/13/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 8/13/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » August 9th, 2020, 1:56 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

TITLE: Surfing On The Edge Of Creation
GENRE: Science Fiction
1st Page: 238 words.

The surfer, clad in a red metallic body mesh, guided his robotic surf board through the chum that rose with the big wave as it neared the beach. The lights on one side of the board flashed wildly as it altered its course, and the surfer crouched on the board. Suddenly from inside the wave a great white shark leapt for the surfer. In response, the surfer raised his left arm to avoid the shark while the board maneuvered under the wave’s crest to maximize the distance from the shark. A few of shark’s teeth contacted the material covering the surfer’s body and broke as they slid across his forearm, and in the same motion the surfer used his right hand to push up under the shark to create the appearance that he’d thrown it over his head. The surfer rode the wave into shore without further incidents, and the crowd cheered as he emerged from the surf.

Pulling back from the image on the beach club deck’s big screen in the twilight, the MC turned from the screen, looked out over the crowd, and said, “For that awesome show of keeping his cool as the king of predators missed him by inches, and for wowing us with some most excellent moves in avoiding becoming dinner, we give this year’s trophy to Athuhv Leander Chaska Clemens, the 2043 winner of the South African Open Extreme Shark Surfing Competition!”

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