Query critique 7/23/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: New York, NY

Query critique 7/23/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » July 20th, 2020, 11:15 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Emily Hopkins made sense. She had friends, family, and a future as she entered the final year of junior high. She knew what she wanted to be (a writer), where she would go for college (UC – Irvine), and who she wanted to date (Ben Trainor). She loved her parents (especially her father), her town, and her life.
Then her family moved from Irvine, CA to Walnut Grove, IL. Now, Emily tries to maneuver a new town, a new school, and a new life. No creative writing class. No friends. No Ben Trainor. Her dad works all the time and she never sees him.
One month after she moves, Emily’s life goes from bad to worse. Ella, her 8-year-old autistic sister, is stung by bees the night a toxic spill threatens the town.
Ella gains super powers she cannot control.
Emily is the only one who knows about Ella’s powers. And those powers quickly become a danger to Ella and those around her.
Emily’s life goes from worse to terrible when she realizes Ella is not the only one who gained super powers that night. Mrs. Johnson, the cat lady from down the street, becomes a Cat Lady and attacks their house. A high school student attacked by wolves becomes a Wolf Man and attacks a junior high assembly. Twin boys who pick on Ella at school turn into bear boys and attack the city’s Fall Festival.
Emily’s life goes from terrible to horrific when the government takes charge of Walnut Grove in the aftermath of the toxic spill. It claims everyone in the city is hallucinating about the attacks and needs to get a shot to stop the effects of the toxic gas. Emily knows they are covering up the attacks. She tries to talk to her dad about it only to learn he is involved with the cover up.
Emily must help Ella control her powers, resist the government, and save Walnut Grove, IL from the monsters that begin attacking the town. As she does, she begins to learn how to love her sister, experiences her first kiss from a boy, and loses the close relationship she had with her father.
The Rise of The Bee is a 45,000 word middle grade book. Though The Rise of The Bee is its own story, it compares to The Avengers/Marvel Universe type origin story, with a Stranger Things feel.

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