Query critique 6/11/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 6/11/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » June 11th, 2020, 10:50 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog today. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear Agent (this was addressed to an agent I heard speak last year);
I enjoyed hearing you speak at the Pittsburgh Writers Conference last spring where you mentioned that you were a fan of time travel stories with an interesting twist. Therefore, I thought my Young Adult portal fantasy, THE PARALLEL might be a good fit for you. Complete at 95,000 words, this story contains historical and sci-fi elements that tie the plot together and add believability. The summary is written below. If it meets with your approval, I look forward to hearing from you.

Sixteen-year-old Amara is snarky and smart. She speaks multiple languages, reads ancient Greek, but still gets nervous when confronted by her class mean girl. She just wants to fit in. Interning at the museum in D.C. every weekend with her curator father won't help with that. When she thinks life can't get any worse, an encounter with a mysterious artifact hurls her through time, and into a world that mirrors the ancient Carthage her father has told her about.

Alone in the past with only her wits, Amara seeks out Ba'al Hammon, a Carthaginian god hiding from interdimensional enforcers. Unable to use magic undetected, Ba'al strikes a bargain. He will return Amara home if she delivers a powerful djinni to a war camp in Saguntum. There, the creature will be used in an assault against Rome that could change the course of history. Hoping to see her father again, Amara agrees to the god's terms. But as she grows closer to those she meets in the past, the lines between saving history and saving herself, become blurred. Now, Amara is faced with two choices and one future filled with uncertainty.

In the writing world, I have published an academic book and written short stories for local publications. My career as a clinical social worker at the local child advocacy center has afforded me the opportunity to work closely with young adults. I also enjoy tweeting about writing and I have a growing following. When I am not drafting my next novel, I can be found hanging out with my teenager and husband, binge reading, or volunteering at the local food pantry.

Thank you for your time and consideration regarding my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Andrea Guadalupe Franco-Cook

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