Page critique 6/4/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: New York, NY
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Page critique 6/4/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » June 4th, 2020, 11:10 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog today. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

The first 250 words of my Young Adult portal fantasy

The winged lion stood by the exit to the Phoenician exhibit like a bronze sentry, tarnished and faded by time. I bid the statue a silent goodbye as I passed it. After pulling an eight-hour shift answering questions about all things ancient, I just wanted to go home. I entered the crowded hall and squeezed by a couple of kids in 'I heart D.C.' t-shirts, and headed toward door in the back of the space. Then someone bumped me hard. I stumbled and my intern's badge fell to the floor.
"Watch it!" said a forty-something guy with dark hair. He held a clear plastic cup away from his body. Brown liquid splattered his starched shirt. "Pay attention where you're going next time."
"Uh, sorry," I said. But why was I apologizing when he had slammed into me?
"You made me spill my Frappuccino." He glared down at my intern's badge, making no effort to pick it up and finished with, "Amara."
Great, now he knew my name. Before I could respond, he stormed toward the middle of the room and disappeared into a crowd of mouth-breathing tourists staring at a stone sarcophagus.
Rude.
I picked up my badge, careful not to tilt my head too low. If my wig fell off in front of all these people, I'd die of embarrassment. I could see it now. Everyone gathered around the girl with the stubble hair and surgical scar. Whispered comments and looks of pity would immediately follow. The museum had enough freaky things on display. No need to add me to the list of attractions.

NicoleS
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Joined: May 22nd, 2020, 12:11 am
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Re: Page critique 6/4/20

Post by NicoleS » June 9th, 2020, 11:50 pm

I feel a little thrown into the middle of the story. I think if you're going to jump right into the action, it needs to be more 'action-packed' to get us hooked. Otherwise some opening details that give us a sense of what type of story is to come would help us appropriately place the scene we're in. Other than that, it sounds like you have an interesting story!

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