Query critique 5/28/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: New York, NY

Query critique 5/28/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » May 27th, 2020, 10:25 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog tomorrow. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear (agent),

14-year-old Soek is bland. She dreams of becoming talented at, well anything – until light starts shooting from her eyes and hands. Having that sort of gift is rare and increasingly criminal. Now, she's getting attention but not exactly the type she craved.

Soek takes it upon herself to guide her fate by surrendering to the military, to embrace powers other seek to coerce from her, and to pay the price fame carries in a city divided against the gifted. As the cost of her choices escalate, Soek must make one more. Will she play by the unscrupulous, high-society rules to protect her loved ones and new found prestige, or fight against the corrupt woman ruling over the city and put everyone she loves in danger?

LUMINOUS tells the story of a daughter yearning for a spot at the top and a family who will do anything to stop the world from dragging her to the bottom. This YA Fantasy novel, complete at 121,000 words, has an original magic system and potential as a series. Comps fit a younger Fitz and the Fool vibe with a splash of Six of Crows cheekiness and magic while in a Sanderson style of clean.

I graduated from the University of Minnesota, Duluth, in 2010 and have toiled in the pits as a middle/high school English teacher ever since. Educator by day and family man by night, I’m currently drafting my next novel, an untitled MG Contemporary. My short-term goal is to find an agent that will champion my books and whip me into even better writing shape, and my long-term goal is to transition into writing as my full-time career and to make my agent tons of money.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Dan Thompson

Posts: 9
Joined: May 22nd, 2020, 12:11 am

Re: Query critique 5/28/20

Post by NicoleS » June 9th, 2020, 11:56 pm

There are two points in this query that make me think, "but why/how?" I want to know a little about how she got her powers, and why she decided to surrender to the military. I feel like knowing those two things would give me a much better sense of the story and the main character, and help pull me in.

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