Page critique 5/7/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Page critique 5/7/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » May 4th, 2020, 11:42 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back on Thursday with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Man Down
YA

“Man down! Man down!”
“God, not another. Is there nothing we can do Sergeant? That’s six highly trained, armed policemen he’s hit already. I can’t even see where he’s shooting from.”
The grey haired, hard looking sergeant, was ex-army and knew a thing or two about being shot at. He removed his cap, scratched his grizzled head and gingerly raised himself up to try to get a better view of what was happening. He quickly ducked back down again, shoulders tensed against any bullets that may be coming his way. He shook his head. He had no gun so there was nothing he could do anyway.
Shrugging, he said; “nothing at all Sir, we’re pinned down here ‘till someone can mount a diversion and allow us to move to a better position.
During all my years in the army and the police, I’ve never seen anything like it. In my opinion, he’s so well organised, so accurate, he may well be Special Forces, or ex Special Forces. He knows exactly what he’s doing; picking us off one by one. Like you say, we can’t even see where he is to get a shot back at him. He’s working to a plan although I’ve no idea what the plan is. It could be a hostage situation, or it could be part of a wider attack on civilization in general.”
He sat back against the hard, damp wall to relax after what was, for him, a long and complicated speech.

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