Page Critique 3/12/20

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
Posts: 1424
Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: New York, NY

Page Critique 3/12/20

Post by Nathan Bransford » March 10th, 2020, 11:15 am

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday, March 12. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back on Thursday with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: The Antarian
Genre: Science Fiction

Saros’ sun burned sky. Light seared edges of buildings, and winked off air vehicles rising and lowering like mouth flies. Mearrin adjusted eyeshields against the glare and peered up into the thick sky, ignoring the press of bodies waiting in a long line.

There was a sound a deep space freighter made when it entered atmosphere that was like no other. A long hiss split the upper atmosphere followed by a deep drone that climbed three octaves and then lowered into a resonant hum. That sound was the closest thing to the Ever After, and Mearrin would give anything to die out there between stars, instead of here.

“Batch ya!” A brutal shove from behind, pushed her into a huge being. Mearrin whirled, the Nephta in her hands.

The shove came from a thick, hairy being with large double eyes, and a snubbed snout that dribbled snot aggravated by dust and heat. It stank of garbage. Normally, Madj were nonaggressive, but they’d been waiting in this work line for half adaynight.

The line brought color and movement to a long yard surrounded by low, battered warehouses. The front of the line began inside a large docking platform for local system transport, and the back ended beyond the open gates into the street. It was hot and dust was high due to air and off ground transports which lifted and settled nonstop in Saros’ spaceport district. Every being in this line was desperate for employment, including her.

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