Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by moosatcows » June 19th, 2010, 12:23 pm

Mr. Bransford,

To everyone at Holy Cross Catholic High School, Nic seems like the perfect, faithful student, but inside, Nic’s a mess. For one thing, he’s pretty sure he’s gay – a secret that could cost him his family and the church he calls home. On top of that, two people he idolizes are telling him two very different things: Mr. McKinley, his gorgeous but closeted choir teacher, tells him to resist the temptation of other boys and to hide what he is, and Brad, the “out and loud” boy that Nic’s rapidly falling in love with, swears that the truth is the only way. But as Nic struggles to reconcile his faith with his feelings, Holy Cross is struck with a horrific event that will decide his fate for him, and only one question will remain – will he be strong enough to deal with the aftermath?

REFUGE is a 95,000 word young adult novel that follows Nic as, with humor and no small amount of heartbreak, he takes control of his own life and stops letting everyone else make decisions for him. Although this book will appeal to fans of Alex Sanchez’s THE GOD BOX and readers who are trying to understand their sexuality, it will also appeal to anyone who has ever felt like an outcast, or has feared disappointing the people they love the most.

For the past five years, I’ve taught choir and theater at a Catholic school, experiencing Nic’s world first-hand. I am currently pursuing a master’s degree in Library and Information Science, with a concentration in Youth Literature and Services. In my spare time I work as an editor for Scribbulus,’s premiere essay project, which is the site J.K. Rowling calls “the best Harry Potter site on the web.”

Best regards,

Laura Wettersten
Last edited by moosatcows on June 20th, 2010, 9:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by engwrite » June 19th, 2010, 12:46 pm

At the rate Linda's brother kept drowning, one had to wonder whether he was doing research for a “Drowning for Dummies” book. But it all makes sense now that he is making a pretty good living by helping others in urgent need of vanishing.
None of which overly concerns Linda's boyfriend Ernie, although, based on what he knows of her brother, he fears Linda maybe the brains of the operation. And now that Linda too is gone, Ernie is desperate to get her back. Who wouldn't? She is sweet and nice and stupefyingly beautiful. But Ernie suspects Linda has run to join her brother and if Ernie hopes to find her he'll have to find him, and to do that Ernie will have to bother people who'd rather keep Linda's brother dead and buried. So to speak.
Ernie has other concerns as well: did his great Aunt—and ersatz Dr. Watson—suffer a Grand Mal seizure or did someone at the Home beat her up? And why does a suburban policewoman think he was involved in her partner's murder? Not to mention that Ernie's considerable fortune has been frozen, placing him in the rare category of rich, but penniless. Even at home Ernie gets little peace because his housekeeper threatens to quit and sue unless he gets rid of the one eyed, one eared cat Linda left in his care.
But in the most disturbing development, Gwen, the former love of his life—up to the moment Ernie found her in bed with another man—has resurfaced, twin babies Peter and Paul in tow. And Gwen, who always gets what she wants, wants Ernie back.
Robbing Peter and Paul is a humorous mystery, somewhat á la Carl Hiaasen, albeit centered in Philadelphia. Robbing Peter and Paul is my first novel but I've authored a number of short pieces for local publications and my short story, The Egg, won first price for contemporary short stories at the 2010 Philadelphia Writer's Conference.
I would be glad to send you a copy of the complete manuscript, which runs 100,000 words or, if you prefer, I can send you a few chapters along with a full synopsis.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Username » June 19th, 2010, 1:27 pm

THE INCREDIBLE RACE (60,000 words)

Sir Hugo Cornelius Crumpet, the multi-millionaire owner of the world's largest toothpick manufacturing company, Crumpet Toothpicks, has passed away.

Sir Hugo’s offspring have assembled at Crumpet Towers, believing his estate will be divided equally amongst the six of them. But much to the dismay of the Crumpets, they learn that Sir Hugo digitally recorded an alternate will, which was delivered to his barrister’s office just days before his death.

And so, from beyond the grave, Sir Hugo communicates the shocking news to his children, that only one of them will benefit financially from his death.

The Crumpets learn they must race each other around the world in competition for their deceased father's fortune!

Join Father Charles Crumpet, Lucy Lou Crumpet, Comrade Joseph Crumpet, the evil Garth Crumpet, and the twins, Bertha and Gertha Crumpet, on a race around the world. Cheer on your favorite family member as the Crumpets race to determine which member will become the sole recipient of Sir Hugo’s toothpick fortune.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Janice » June 19th, 2010, 1:37 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford;

“The Army Nurse Corps Needs You!” In “Casualties of Pride,” a WWII historical, 19-year-old Ann Garner answers the call, flouting 1940’s conventions. After all, decent girls don’t join the Army, and wealthy ones certainly don’t.

Not surprisingly, Ann’s father hits the roof. And then there’s her brother’s best friend from West Point, the handsome Lt. Joshua Bouchard. She’s new money, he’s dripping in old wealth; she thinks he’s an arrogant snob, he thinks she’s a man-chaser like all the other nurses. Strangely, he continues to seek her out; but despite glimmers of attraction on both sides, the encounters deteriorate into insults each time.

Once in Normandy, Ann adjusts to the air raids and tent living at the battlefront. But in a one-two-three-four punch, the man she thought she loved is killed, her brother goes MIA, her father rejects her for lying about where she is, and she has another falling-out with Joshua even as he lies wounded in a hospital.

Ann begins a slide into depression against the backdrop of the mud and casualties in Belgium, and the only relief seems to be giving up--until she discovers the source of strength to go on. Even then, she’ll have one more truth to discover: that love and forgiveness are more powerful than pride.

I have a passion for WWII history and have recently focused on the little-told stories of the American nurses. “Casualties of Pride,” complete at 99,000 words, is historically accurate, and the Army units of the principal characters are real and portrayed as faithfully as possible.

Thank you for your time in considering this request for representation.

Last edited by Janice on July 26th, 2010, 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by mfreivald » June 19th, 2010, 2:41 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford,

In a world where the sacred Vine connects all life and confers all power, Elder Cale Barnside is tasked with rescuing and transporting the Honor of Cresswell, an artifact that mystically binds the Cresswell nobility together and is key to the land’s peace. Cale falls into the dark practice of bleeding the Vine, endangering the Honor and attracting sorcerers who would steal it. He must choose between fighting the sorcerers with tremendous powers that will ruin the Honor and relying upon his inner strength to persevere.

CONFESSIONS OF AN ELDER is an adventurous 137,000 word fantasy novel that explores how small temptations can propel a man to decisions of mortal consequence, and how resisting one’s own evil is the most powerful first step to defeating the evil of others. Readers who liked Ursula K. Le Guin’s Earth Sea series will enjoy the old-world settings, the protagonist’s internal struggles, and the constrained magic abilities.

I am on the editing staff at Flash Fiction Online, where I have published an article on symbolism and allegory.

Your blog is a recent discovery for me, and I have benefited from your insight and accessibility. Sorry about the Lakers victory. Although you don’t list fantasy in your preferred genres, you expressed an openness that encouraged me to try you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.


Mark Freivald

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Arik » June 19th, 2010, 3:44 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford,

Noah Ryan thinks he would do anything to find his missing parents, but an encounter with his future self changes everything.

Four years after his parents vanished in a mysterious flash of light, Noah Ryan is a bitter, fourteen-year-old outsider obsessed with finding his family. But just as he’s about to find the answers he craves, a knife-wielding psychopath tries to kidnap him and a small, winged seraph comes to his protection. Noah discovers a strange new world between a multitude of alternate timelines and falls headfirst into conflict far bigger than his own obsessive quest. The timeline-hopping Zealots want to recruit Noah to their extremist cause, but a wise old angel thinks Noah might be the key to defeating the terrorists. Caught between the two sides, Noah just wants to escape them both long enough to find his mom and dad.

But then he learns that his Alter, an older version of himself from a different timeline, is a Zealot, and his whole world turns upside down.

When he realizes that joining the terrorists might actually improve his chances of saving his parents, Noah has to make the hardest choice of his life.

NOAH’S ALTER is a 95,000-word novel for young adults that blends science fiction with supernatural elements.

Thank you for your consideration.


Arik Durfee

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by TLeeTuck » June 19th, 2010, 5:39 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford:

Twelve-year-old Jeremy Stone is anticipating a typical summer vacation from school but the sudden, repeated, appearances of the man in the desert camos and then fourteen-year-old sister Julia’s sudden, unexplained, illness make a radical change in his plans. The man, Sarge, is the brother Jeremy has never known, presumed killed in Desert Storm. He has returned to Jeremy impersonating Marine Sergeant Folker and informs his brother that he, Jeremy, is now the Omega Child, the Innocent One, and only he can break the curse which attacks Julia and will soon be used to decapitate western governments coincident with the placement of atomic weapons just off the coasts of the United States. The 90,000 word young adult adventure novel describes Jeremy and Sarge’s journey to the Middle East as they are joined by Marine Lieutenant Margaret “Margie” Cooper on their mission to engage terrorists and capture – The Golden Sapphires.

I was born and raised in a small Kansas town, attended a technical school immediately out of High School, landed a fabulous sales job that took me to forty-six of the fifty states, and have resided in or around Torrance, CA, for over twenty years. I've been in the electronics field most of my adult life and presently work in the engineering department of a well established electronics manufacturing concern in the cable television industry. This is my first attempt at publishing my work.

I learned about your agency through the Firstwriter website. After reviewing your information and your website I choose to submit this novel for your consideration. The manuscript is complete and can be sent immediately upon your request. The first four pages of Chapter One are pasted below.

Best Regards,
T. Lee Tucker

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Redneckwife » June 19th, 2010, 7:07 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford:

Congratulations! I have chosen you to give me my first rejection letter on a story that I have been working on for about two years now. I read your daily blogs and have found your advice quite useful in my quest at becoming a published author.

Set in the late Celtic period in Scotland, The Oracle chronicles the saga of Marilyn, a young and somewhat naïve Scottish lass, who finds herself lost and alone in the haunted forest of Dullahan after her carriage is ambushed, her chaperone murdered and her baby sister kidnapped by two dark and mysterious creatures. When she is found by two rogue fairies, Hex Reedfilter and Tangle Elfdancer, Marilyn’s world is turned inside out as her journey to find her sister brings her into a place she never knew existed outside fairy tales. Taken by the fairies to a small clan of elves, Marilyn is introduced to Maglor, the leader of the elfin army who agrees to help find her sister. While in the midst of the strange creatures, Marilyn not only finds help in searching for her sister, but also learns of her grandmother’s secret past that will forever change Marilyn and what she thought she knew of her real life. Can she abandon the only world she has ever known to begin a new life, the life her grandmother had chosen for her before she was ever born?

I realize that the whole Lord of the Rings thing has been done almost to death, however this story focuses not on wizards and rings and quests (Oh My!), but is loosely based on the Celtic religion and the mythologies that go with it.

As with most of my ideas, this story started as a daydream. I was listening to Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir and I thought the song would make great background music for a war between some elves and trolls. The idea would not leave my head so I decided to write it out of myself. Being mostly Irish and Scottish I had also been tracking my ancestors and studying up on my "historical past" and grew very interested in the Celts. The two ideas seemed to have melded together and gave birth to The Oracle which is actually (dare I admit it) the first of three stories. I started the second book before I finished the revision on Oracle, and have gotten a lot of the rough draft completed. The third is still rolling around in my head and will actually be a prequel to Oracle, focusing on what happens before Marilyn is born. (That idea came after the fact, I did not really mean for it to be so "Star Wars Trilogy".)

So anyway, this is my first attempt. I just hope you will be easy on me. Thank you for your time and your blogs. If I had not happened upon your site, I am not sure if I would have gotten this far in my attempt to get published.

Jennifer Garrett

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by khanes » June 19th, 2010, 9:28 pm

News reporter Isabelle Martin doesn’t believe in intimacy. She covers gruesome crime scenes without feeling a thing, and doesn’t let her boyfriend get too close. But her solid walls come crashing down when Isabelle sees a child shot to death at a standoff outside Seattle. She must escape, and a job opportunity in the artistic mountain town of San Miguel de Allende, Mexico is just the ticket for Isabelle to rethink her life.

Horse trainer Arturo Soto Rivera dashes her plans with his kindness, poetry and operatic voice. He’s the only man who’s truly wanted to know her, and Isabelle feels herself falling. But this is no match made in heaven. Isabelle has a lingering attachment to her ex-boyfriend Steve, and a meddling mother who sends him on a “rescue mission” to save her. When Arturo finds her and Steve alone in her apartment, Isabelle’s confronted with a choice: pursue a meaningful, often painful relationship with Arturo, or go back to her former life.

My women’s fiction novel, THE GRAVITY OF SAN MIGUEL, is approximately 75,000 words.

Like the protagonist, I was an award-winning radio news reporter for seven years in Seattle and Portland. I lived in Queretaro, Mexico as part of my degree in Spanish from the University of Oregon, and most recently visited San Miguel de Allende. I’m a member of the Pacific Northwest Writer’s Association.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by kadler » June 19th, 2010, 11:26 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford:

More than anything, Nick Time would like to finish eighth grade in one chronological year. But when your dad is Father Time, that’s just not possible. Nick’s dad is constantly carting his family along with him as he travels through time, repairing snags, tears, holes and all manner of temporal disruptions, so that no one but his family has an inkling that time is not as stable as it seems. On one such trip to colonial America, a freak disruption in time forces Nick and his dad to leave immediately, trapping his mother and sister in that era. When Nick’s father is murdered in twelfth century England, Nick inherits his dad’s responsibilities as Father Time. Now Nick, who has always preferred to stick to one time and maintain the illusion that he is a normal kid, must zip through the centuries as he tracks down his dad’s killer, repairs the fabric of time, and finds his lost family—all while trying not to flunk out of eighth grade.

In my 63,000 word novel, HEIR OF TIME, an ancient Greek boy, a colonial American girl, and a twenty-first century boy join forces to fight a man who seeks to control the fabric of time itself. As Nick grapples with his bewildering new powers, he has no idea that the revered first Father Time, Chronos, has plans of his own, and those plans involve both Nick Time and his dad, who may not be dead after all—at least not in a linear sense.

I am a freshman at Tufts University. This is my first novel, although I have worked on several nonfiction books, including Kids’ Letters to President Obama (Random House, 2009) and Becoming Myself: Reflections on Growing Up Female (Hyperion, 2007).

I would be happy to send you the complete manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.


Karen Adler

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by RiayNight » June 20th, 2010, 12:00 am

Hey Nathan! I didn't see a time limit on this, and since it's Saturday night, I'm assuming that it's okay to still post my query! So, without further adieu, here we are:

Dear Mr. Bransford,

Disruption. Initiation. The Unknowable. So say the Runes, the ancient Viking Oracle of marked stones ominously laid out before college freshman Riley Dawson on the eve of her departure for Lyndon State College. Leaving the sun of her California childhood for the crisp northern air of Vermont, Riley soon dismisses and forgets the Runes’ portent of the choices she would make, choices borne of her own unseen nature, a nature invisible even to herself.

Dismissed and forgotten that is, until she meets Remaunt: enigmatic, sensual, arrogant, vulnerable; a dark shadow of Adonis whose veneer of cool poise camouflages the turbulent shame of a 400 year old transgression. A shame his “sister”, the manipulative, elegant, sexy Amelia exploits for her own sinister agenda and her brother’s destruction.

Yet even as Riley tries deny her growing intrigue and fascination with her magnetically mysterious classmate, she ultimately finds that she cannot evade the truth of what he is. Remaunt is an immortal. Remaunt is a vampire.

And immortals have immortal enemies. Driven by a literal thirst for vengeance and retribution, the vampire Damien has pursued Remaunt to Lyndonville, determined to exact reprisal for a centuries’ old cruelty. And, as the spirited Riley soon finds out, Damien is not a vampire to be trifled with: He is charming, alluring, tortured, and utterly, completely relentless in his quest to annihilate Remaunt.

As Riley and Remaunt draw closer to one another, entangled in the intensity of their mutual attraction, Damien decides that Riley is the perfect instrument for his long yearned payback, the sublime method for the completion of his madness.

With the crisis of disruption activated, the mystic power of initiation summoned, and the fire and chaos of the unknowable at hand, Riley finds herself as bait between two preternatural antagonists, locked in a war of wills fueled by revenge and anguish destined to a fate not even the immortals could envision.

EUPHORIA falls into the Young Adult genre, and consists of 120,000 words. It is my first novel, and the complete manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your generous time and consideration.



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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by xoCamillia » June 20th, 2010, 12:50 am

Thank you so much for the opportunity. Hope I'm not too late and here goes nothing:

Dear Mr. Bransford,

When Jasmine Waide wakes up in the afterlife after her murder with only the memory of her name and dreams of her past, she is immediately forced to take sides in the war for succession of the three universes, the Known, the High, and the Under Realms. Despite being juggled between two Rule-Candidates and a mysterious rebel party who covet her power, a power which could prevent future bloodshed, Jaz finds herself falling in love with her universe, the High Realm. However, when she is faced with the prospect of rebirth, an opportunity to regain her time which had been stolen, she must decide to leave the world which needs her the most.

The Disappearing is a young adult, fantasy novel complete at 87,000 words which showcases human ability to love and never forget. Although this novel can stand alone, I have planned for a sequel. I am currently working towards my bachelors in literature and this is my first novel.

I have followed your blog for years and to me it is a god-send. It is not only informative but also adds just enough of wit to brighten up my day. This effect is also what I have aimed my novel towards. And you graduating from the same University I attend doesn't hurt either.

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.


Camillia Liu

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Rosie Scott
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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Rosie Scott » June 20th, 2010, 1:50 am

Attn. Mr. Bransford,

I have been an avid follower of your blog for some time now, and find your advice and insight into the publishing industry most helpful. Since you are open to anything and everything, I have chosen to submit to you my recently completed manuscript. Inspired and influenced by authors such as Anne Bishop (Black Jewels Trilogy), Christine Feehan (Dark Series), and L. J. Smith (Night World Series), TALES OF THE GUARDIANS is an 88,180-word, single volume, chronicled, fantasy, paranormal romance series anthology, that introduces and focuses on a race of immortal beings called Guardians, who live to keep the balance, between light and darkness, life and death, good and evil; and comprises of four original stories about four very different, extraordinary and strong young women, and the complexity of their relationships, when they clash with duty and the rules of their world.

Love is never simple. There is no right and wrong, no black and white; only shades of grey and in between. It is filled with tears and laughter, ecstasy and pain, a fantasy mixed with reality. Who knows where the decisions we make will lead us, what might have been if another risk was taken? Not all is as it seems, and even in a world where light keeps the balance, there is darkness, secrets untold and unknown. In Witchlight, Rose escapes through a Portal to another world, where she finds love in an unexpected place, only to be forced to choose between love and magick. In The Bleeding Rose, Elise struggles to get over the death of the man she loves, and when Hunter enters her life, she discovers that he has a secret that will change her world forever. In Warrior, Athena travels to the White Mountains to find Kaelas, where she struggles with unfamiliar feelings toward him, as she fights against the darkness trying to claim her. In After the Dawn, Scarlett goes to the Mortal World, only to find that it is nothing like she expects, a traumatic assault pushing her into the arms of the charming Santiago.

TALES OF THE GUARDIANS is my first novel-length work. I want to build a career as a writer, beginning with representation for TALES OF THE GUARDIANS, and I want an Agent that I can build a long-term relationship with, whom I can look to for guidance and negotiation with future manuscripts.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you are interested in my manuscript, then I will gladly send you the complete manuscript. I would love to work with you, and look forward to hearing from you!

Rosie E. Scott

***This is where I have my Street Address***
***This is where I have my City, State, Postcode***
***This is where I have my Phone ***
***This is where I have my Email***
Fiction Blog:

Please note that where I gave written ***This is where I have my . . .*** is where it would be in the email version to you.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by clara_w » June 20th, 2010, 6:08 am

In a world where some people can control the four elements, Jade Kadeem witness normal humans brutally murder her father. As a result, she creates a monstrous hurricane; something not every tamer can do. Especially a child.

Seven years later, an Oracle predicts her Godlike powers will destroy her home, the Air Nation. Jade then embarks on a journey to save herself and everyone she loves.

As she moves further, she meets Lian, a girl with similar powers and tragic past. Although Lian has perfect control over her abilities, it’s harder when it comes to her emotions.

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep normal humans from the face of the earth.
For him, life is a chess game and the girls are the perfect pawns.

In an epic battle, Jade and Lian will face many dangers and above all, try to overcome their darkest wishes for revenge.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a fantasy story complete at 100.000 words. It’s part of a saga called Daiki, composed in four books.

I am a published author by Megazine (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market).
I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community and write on the blog
Last edited by clara_w on June 21st, 2010, 8:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Natje » June 20th, 2010, 10:11 am

Dear Mr. Bransford:

The guardianship of the sacred regalia of Avalon has always been entrusted to the female descendents of Morgan le Fay. Centuries have passed and the Sword of Truth has remained hidden from mankind and the lore has been forgotten by the guardians.

Throughout history, men have searched in vain for the existence of the mythical sword, and for one family, this quest has become an obsession.

On the day Malaki Rhodi finds Avalon and takes possession of the powerful sword, eighteen year old Liliana Kane’s life changes, her forgotten destiny set into motion. As the only living guardian, she has inherited the task of reclaiming the sword. Her only saving grace is that her family has managed to keep the Scabbard safe, and hidden.

Only problem is, Liliana doesn’t even know what a scabbard is, much less the power of this specific sheath, nor does she know where to find it or have any knowledge of her ancestry at all.

As the mystery unfolds, Liliana meets Samuel Baine and Luc Maessen, the supposed good guys in this quest for power. But can she trust them? Samuel knows the location and power of the Scabbard, but his story is too unbelievable and Luc’s past is just as shady as the other players in this game. And, to top things off, Liliana finds herself drawn to Malaki, a fact she can’t admit even to herself.

Liliana’s adventure takes her on a journey from Estes Park, Colorado to Amsterdam and eventually through the UK, coming to a close on beautiful Bardsey Island in Wales.

The Guardians is a 67,000 word YA Urban Fantasy that draws on well known legendary characters while the story itself is grounded, realistic and modern in its content. It will appeal to fans of Morgan le Fay and the legends of Excalibur as well as followers of the more modern urban fantasy and paranormal books written by authors such as Libba Bray(YA Gemma Ward series) and Karen Marie Moning (Adult Fever series).

I am querying you among a handful of agents as I believe your interests are in line with the story I’ve written. I am including the first five pages in the body of the e-mail and will be happy to send any additional materials you request.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

(ps - thanks for doing these, I learn so much from your blog!)


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