Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by LSimon » June 18th, 2010, 4:58 pm

Dear Mr Bransford,

Alamandine "Mandi" Croach knows she's half faery, but that didn't mean much to her. Her parents are dead, and though she and her full-fae aunt run a magical jewelry store in Philadelphia, she's nothing more than a Tufts-educated checkout girl.

Just when things start to shape up, specifically in the form of one seriously sexy Chase Ballentine, everything gets turned upside down. It seems her aunt has been hiding a few things: Mom is alive, reigning as Queen of the Star Court; her son, Prince P ... more »
Alamandine "Mandi" Croach knows she's half faery, but that didn't mean much to her. Her parents are dead, and though she and her full-fae aunt run a magical jewelry store in Philadelphia, she's nothing more than a Tufts-educated checkout girl.

Just when things start to shape up, specifically in the form of one seriously sexy Chase Ballentine, everything gets turned upside down. It seems her aunt has been hiding a few things: Mom is alive, reigning as Queen of the Star Court; her son, Prince Prase, has been kidnapped. There is a serious question about who is next in line for the crown, and some in the Court would be happy to have both of the royal heirs out of the way.

When the royal second asks her for a favor, Mandi refuses. She wants nothing to do with whatever is going on with the faerys, but it seems if you have a map to the dragon's forge, even a stroll through Center City can get you there. She is supposed to pick up a weapon and take it back to the second. Turns out, dragons hardly ever do what they are expected to, and Wyren is no exception- he gives her the dagger, but tells her she is the only one who can wield it, and lifts the spells binding both her magical abilities and her memory .

Slowly, Mandi begins to develop a flicker of magic and her memory of her father walking out into a lake in the Poconos and never coming back is replaced by the truth- she watched as he was called out onto that lake by a strange, yet beautiful woman, and then murdered.

Desperate to know what the meaning of the murderess's last words to her, Mandi pursues the naiad, but soon realizes there are powerful forces in Faelyn that don't want her to succeed, including her mother's new husband, the King. Faced with a political machine that she cannot comprehend and a mother who does not seem to care, she realizes that if she is going to survive she will need a bargaining chip when dealing with the King--if she can save everybody else to the Prince, and keep him alive, she'll have the most powerful one of all.

Alamandine's Song is a completed Urban Fantasy at 92,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration,
Lela Simon

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by writermorris » June 18th, 2010, 6:07 pm

Dear Mr. AGENT,

When Maria Black experiences intense changes in her life, she grows sick and feverish until she bursts into flames. From the fire that consumes her body, a bird rises, takes flight, and returns to human form. For the last 2,477 days, she has done everything in her power to avoid change and suppress the burn. That’s when she met her husband, Joe Ellis. She has worked ever since to build a normal life and be the kind of woman he could love. She doesn’t want more pain. She doesn’t want to be a monster.

Her quiet if dispassionate life is interrupted when she runs—quite literally—into the famous musician Sam Montgomery on the street and learns that they have been dreaming about each other; identical dreams in which they have a deep friendship. Without any better idea of how to handle the strange situation, they decide to get to know each other and see where that leads. But only Sam is willing to question the meaning behind their dreams. Maria is not interested in posing questions that don’t have answers. As Sam and Maria fall in love, she is forced to decide between her normal life with Joe and a seemingly predestined love that reawakens questions about meaning and why she burns.

FLIGHT is a 72,000-word novel. Readers who enjoy Audrey Niffeneger’s literary fabulism and Jeanette Winterson’s playful wielding of language and strong female protagonists will enjoy FLIGHT. This is my first novel. I am happy to send the complete manuscript upon your request. You can also find the first chapter on my blog,

I am querying you because [INSERT AGENT-SPECIFIC INFO HERE].

Many thanks for taking the time to read my query.


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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by nicole » June 18th, 2010, 6:16 pm

Query: Broken

Dear Mr Bransford,

I have followed your blog for a quite some time now, and find your advice invaluable. Fingers crossed you pick me!
Less than a year ago, a series of terrible murders were committed over a period of three months in East End London. Although the case is still officially open, popular opinion holds that the murderer will not strike again.
When Elizabeth Coles, a maid at Horsfield House witnesses John Saunders, a weekend guest, confessing to being the infamous Whitechapel murderer, the ‘confession’ is put down to a joke. Elizabeth; however fears her life could be in danger. These fears are magnified, when it becomes clear John holds more than just a passing interest in Elizabeth, inappropriate to their standings. When Elizabeth succumbs to a mysterious illness, and wakes up to discover John has nursed her through the fever, she begins to realize she may have been mistaken.
A year later, following Elizabeth’s unfair dismissal from Horsfield House, the two meet again by chance. The consequences of that meeting will change both of their lives forever when John’s identity is revealed to its true extent.
My novel, THE WATCHER, is complete at 95,000 words. It would fall into the genre of historical fiction/thriller. Whilst fictitious, THE WATCHER has stayed true to the facts, using them as a framework for the story and incorporating some of the more popular theories surrounding the murders in order to give the story a genuine feel. Although it touches briefly on the murders themselves, the novel concentrates on what might have happened to the man to make him capable of such brutal acts, and why.

Many Thanks,

Last edited by nicole on June 21st, 2010, 1:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Beth Hull
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Joined: June 18th, 2010, 6:23 pm

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Beth Hull » June 18th, 2010, 6:25 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford,

Even a smart seventeen-year-old like Phoebe Bruns can make a life-changing mistake. With her own business to run and her own bills to pay, she is ready to graduate high school, go to college, and move out of her parents’ house…not necessarily in that order.

When she meets Jeremy, she knows he is different. Seven years older than Phoebe, he isn’t like the squirrelly high school boys in her northern California mountain town. He’s confident and mature, and he isn’t afraid to demonstrate his love in strange ways. The only problem: he’s a werewolf, and he needs to choose a werewolf mate.

Despite her misgivings, Phoebe is willing to do anything to keep their true love intact. But that’s before she realizes she’s been brutally deceived by Jeremy and his pack. Now, ostracized by her old friends and appalled by the savage order of the pack which claims her for its own, all she wants is the impossible: to get her life back, to be normal again. And in the midst of this turmoil, Phoebe watches as Jeremy hunts his next victim, following a terrible, twisted pattern that can only result in death.

Geared to a young adult audience, SAVAGE AUTUMN is a 61,000 word contemporary fantasy exploring themes of control, responsibility, and friendship. It will appeal to fans of Stephenie Meyers’s Twilight and Annette Curtis Klause’s Blood and Chocolate. SAVAGE AUTUMN is the story that wonders: What if Bella’s Jacob had been a bad guy?

I graduated from Dominican University of California with a Bachelor’s degree in English emphasizing creative writing. I also hold a Master’s degree in Linguistics from the University of California at Davis.

Thank you for your time.


Beth Hull

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Joined: May 6th, 2010, 5:04 pm

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Natalie » June 18th, 2010, 6:36 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford:

Katie believed she was going to die but only three thoughts flashed through her mind: ‘I’m too young to die’; ‘I should have told my mother I love her’; and ‘did my cat just morph into a six foot tall beast with razor sharp claws?’

When the dark fey attack Katie on Earth, her Mage protector teleports her to a distant planet and Katie is thrust into a universe where magic exists, fairies are real, and a lot of people are trying to kill her. She was imbued at birth with elemental abilities by an ancient race to fight the dark fey, evil creatures intent on universal domination. But she wasn’t the only one they created, or the only one being hunted by the fey.

Jack has been living on the streets and using his ability to start fires to keep himself warm at night. When he finds out he’s destined to save the universe, he isn’t angry at the lot he’s been drawn like Katie. Jack embraces his new life and thinks of it as a grand adventure. Anything is better than being homeless.

When Katie agrees to help a pride of dragons, she doesn’t realize that this is the first battle she will fight against the fey or how much she will need Jack’s help to prevail. Asking Jack for his help is the last thing she wants to do.

Now Jack and Katie must learn the value of teamwork in order to use their abilities effectively, let alone save the dragons. And if they can’t save one pride of dragons, they’re never going to be able to save the universe.

The Chosen Ones and the Dragon War is an 87,000-word work of young adult fantasy. This is our first novel. Please find enclosed the first five pages, pursuant to your submission guidelines.

Natalie and Rick Nuttall

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by lafprncpl » June 18th, 2010, 6:45 pm

Dear Nathan,

Bobby Holmes and the Mystery of Mountain Lake is my debut thriller about four young adolescents who come together to solve a deadly mystery. The spirit of a long-dead pirate seeks his 300-year-old buried treasure through the possessed body of a diabolical descendant. This beast rushes into a head-on conflict with clairvoyant 11-year-old Bobby Holmes from England, his American cousin Brenda Watson, and a couple of unlikely heroes, one of whom has Asperger’s Syndrome.

Bobby is a boy from London whose mother works for Scotland Yard. Her job unexpectedly takes her to Paris and she is forced to send Bobby to America to stay with his cousin, Brenda Watson. In an unsettling dream during his flight from England, the pirate’s spirit warns Bobby to stay away, as he is threatened by Bobby’s growing intuitive powers. An attack on Brenda’s father, coupled with a murder in the once peaceful town of Mountain Lake, heightens the warnings. Bobby and his new-found friends refuse to back down and become more deeply drawn into this dangerous mystery. They have made a connection between these two events that no adult will believe. As they race to prevent further harm by investigating which of the peculiar suspects in town is the pirate’s descendant, they are led into dark and dangerous caves where they must rescue one of their own and somehow get out alive.

As a middle school teacher and school principal for over three decades, I witnessed the growth and development of thousands of children between the ages of 10 to 14 who served as inspiration for the development of my characters. As a person with a life-changing spinal cord injury, I also know something of the challenges of the disabled, like those faced by my mildly autistic character, Michael. I am married for 37 years, the parent of three children, and a member of the SCBWI.

With a renewed interest among the public in such characters as Nancy Drew and Sherlock Holmes, I am sure you will find this book both timely and engaging. In fact, I will be traveling to the North York Moors in England this August to do research for a second novel in this series.

My book is a 300 page completed manuscript of approximately 82,000 words aimed at mystery lovers in today’s middle school to young adult readers. I believe your agency is enthusiastic about fiction in this genre. I welcome the opportunity to send you sample chapters or the completed manuscript upon your request. Thank you for your time and attention and I look forward to hearing from you. Please note that I have submitted queries to several agents.

Jim Kelly
17 Fernwood Place, Mountain Lakes, New Jersey, 07046
973-229-6778 (c) 973-335-7389 (h)

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by writer-renegade » June 18th, 2010, 7:01 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford,

Being able to control anyone with a single command is scary. Losing control of that ability is scarier. Benjamin has always been able to control people, and he sees this paranormal ability as a gift. Olivia has just discovered this ability, and when she accidentally injures a fellow classmate with a few crude words, she sees it as a curse, rather than a gift.

When Benjamin and Olivia meet, they soon discover their talent does not work on each other. Benjamin gets involved in a deadly car accident, and he can hide it from everyone except Olivia. They strike a crazy deal: Olivia will keep silent about the accident, and Benjamin will teach her to control the ability. This works until Olivia is convinced that Benjamin is dangerous and must be stopped before something else goes wrong. It doesn't take long for her to realize that she is the only one who can do it.

My young adult suspense novel, Echo, is complete at 54,000 words, and will appeal to readers who enjoy the work of Lois Duncan. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to hearing from you.


Rebecca Buss

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Joined: June 18th, 2010, 7:59 pm

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by MarcyKate » June 18th, 2010, 8:02 pm

Dear Nathan,

Eighteen-year-old Tessa James can’t even watch Casper the Friendly Ghost without nightmares, so when letters written in a foreign language appear on her nightstand she does her damnedest to ignore the implications. She has enough ghosts of her own, thank you very much.

Soon Tessa realizes the letters are pieces of a diary, and the tale of Ava Dubois, a runaway millgirl turned rising starlet, begins to unravel. As Tessa is unwillingly drawn into Ava’s past, connections to the present become stark—and scary. Manchester’s Castle Theatre, her employer and once Ava's, is about to produce Hamlet, the very play canceled by Ava’s untimely death in 1935. A bizarre series of accidents plague the theatre staff, while the steady stream of letters and rumors of ghosts force Tessa into a dangerous game. A séance goes horribly awry, a boiler room acts as though it has a mind of its own, and an entire cast of otherworldly inhabitants—including a poltergeist willing to kill to protect his secret—come out to play. Tessa wants no part of it, but the spirits won’t leave her alone, nor will the suspicious detective investigating the accidents. With the body count piling up—in the past and present—Tessa must checkmate her ghosts and Ava's if she wants to live long enough to have a future.

I'm seeking representation for THE GHOST WRITER, a YA paranormal novel complete at 60,000 words, and other projects. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Literature and Music from Hampshire College. As the former marketing director of a professional theatre, I have the skillset to actively promote my work. That theatre and its longstanding legends of hauntings inspired my book.

I understand you have a passion for young adult literature and enjoy ghost stories. I would be happy to supply sample chapters or a full manuscript of THE GHOST WRITER upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by patrickflynn » June 18th, 2010, 8:21 pm

Your Uglyness,
Wet your fingers and stick them in an electric socket and you'll be ready for "The Incredible, True-life Adventures of the Late Able Baker Charlie: Ghost Whispering Shrink"

Able Baker Charlie (ABC) tackles ghost whisperering and introduces us to ABC’s coffee buddy, the theory of time bending and GPS, an aliment typically afflicting insecure ghosties. A sex-addicted rock star has it out with a panel of shrinks.

In his RevUup University classroom, ABC is introduced to revolutionary theory and NZAAA sports, National Zombie And Athletic Apparitions. We meet ABC’s family and their expectations for him and his parrot, growing up in Union, Pennsylvania.

A cryptic message from the darkside shows all is not sweetness and roses on the other side. Pressing an end of the world button is as real as it gets for ABC so far, but he doesn’t get the cheerleader or her girlfriend. His parents are disappointed they have to bail him out of jail on bomb making charges. He next speaks with a compulsive nose-picker of a beach ghostie dude. ABC has a heart-to-heart with his father about applying to college and we learn the origin of his name.

As a ghost whisperer, a priest mentors ABC and introduces him to the White Light Therapy Union and Freud’s favorite student. An inventor ghostie gives him a CD and the story of the world’s first green laptop created in Antarctica. ABC meets DJ Wolfman Jack, a pining Michael Jackson (MJ) and a sex-starved Marilyn Monroe in Strawberry Fields Forever. She takes up the duty of hosting ABC’s tour of the other side, offering an ether translator and then tries to seduce him.

Peter Pan and his crew hound MJ. An alien ghostie, Cecil to the seven hundredth power, visits MJ’s house, searching for his wife. They enter an elevator at the end of MJ’s driveway and travel to meet Mr. Lake of Fire himself who raps, “Push the button and bake in the lake.” Bargaining his way out and leaving MJ and Cecil behind, ABC a reporter interviews ABC about his first ghost whispering success, a nerd ghostie. ABC visits Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Humphrey Bogart in Union’s greasy spoon diner, partying until Mr. Lake of Fire shows up.

Marilyn takes ABC to a trendy mall restaurant where a drunken ghostie puts the make on her with his stream of unconsciousness. An environmentally friendly ghostie proposes an Adopt-A-Carbon Credit Program and downs a bloodsucker for his troubles. Ghostie psychics at the restaurant talk with ABC, only to ignore the actualization of their deaths. They’re out to promote their books, jealous of Madame Wowwee Wow and her Table of Truth interviews.

ABC meets Scrooge, the first ghost whisperer, who continues Dickens’ Christmas Carol saga, explaining The Ghost of Christmas Never Meant To Be. ABC follows fleshie ghost hunters out for fame and fortune, eventually watching a conga line of ghosties cha-cha behind one as he operates his high tech gear in the hall where Freud lectures. Once Freud invites questions sparks literally fly from Freud who dislikes ABC who disagrees with his kleptomaniac bike thief case analysis.

A pervert ghostie explains events leading up to his death, which gives ABC 10 lessons for living life with ghosties. ABC experiences a cat owner’s 12-Step Program of cat sitting and sees the results of a hairball control formula addiction. Visiting Assateague, Virginia means a life-saving story about a merchant marine captain, Crappy, and several of the ghosts the Delmarva Peninsula maintains, including a swimming cat. ABC critiques a rejection letter and ghost whispers a tree. His application for summer employment turns into an undercover seminar from management expert Thomas Paddington.

Able Baker Charlie turns on the car radio by saying, “I love you,” which leads to a story about a realistic prison journey through Hell’s Backyard from a ghostie hitchhiking to Chicago who names names, dates and places in connection with his recent incarceration, Lee Roth David.

ABC experiences the other side of golfing, prison again, a Christmas ghostie and a special penguin. He reunites with Marilyn and explains a time bending tale that takes place in Austria about a ghost cat, the subject of Dr. Erwin Schrödinger’s famous physics experiment.

YA, 81.5K words.
PM Flynn

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Joined: June 11th, 2010, 6:46 pm

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by childrenschamp4life » June 18th, 2010, 8:32 pm

SUBJECT: Query: The Pompous Pachyderm, middle-grade-Exclusive

Nathan s own agency breakaway
664 6th Street
Cali, California, 11215

"The Pompous Pachyderm." A big nose bigot of an elephant who comes of age in a place that doesn’t respect animals. He is a selfish, uncivil character who treats his fellow “inmates” at the Calamity Zoo of California like moldy cantaloupe.Watching as his parents are sold to a circus while becoming separated from the only trainer he ever knew, furthers his inclinations that he doesn’t need anyone’s help, and he shouldn’t have to help anyone . Espen shows that elephants are not only one of the largest land mammals on earth but also may have the largest ego.

The animals of Calamity Zoo of California, end up in various predicaments which our protagonist refuses to help them with. When Espen mistakes a ball, for his favorite snack (cantaloupe) he gets it stuck in his trunk. He then tantrums and treks off in search of the other animals for help. While on his one man (mammal) fellowship he notices the zoo is on fire. Espen then lumbers to where the other species of life are to get him and the zoo some help. The animals all spring to action and work together to get the ball out of Espen's trunk, so he can help put out the fire.

I work within the field of Early Child Hood Education and currently serve as an Associate Teacher. I am also a father of 2 and integrate Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development theory when creating material for children. Thank you for considering “The Pompous Pachyderm”


Stanley Walker
891 Arches Court
Tracy, Ca 95376
Childrens Champ

"Rigor alone is paralytic death, but imagination alone is insanity,"- Gregory Bateson /Future California Governor Jerry Brown

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Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by azayrid » June 18th, 2010, 8:37 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford,
I have been a follower of your blog and have found your advice uplifting and irreplaceable.

Lily Goodwill is an obsessive compulsive vampire on a mission to save lives. As an dead citizen of San Francisco, she has given up on men, living and otherwise. One night, Lily gets a phone call from Aidan, a jinni, during her shift at the San Francisco Suicide hotline, where she works, and her life changes. Aidan happens to be on a mission to destroy vampires who prey on humans.

Lily is a different kind of vampire and is the most intriguing creature Aidan’s run across in a millennium. To complicate matters, Lily’s long time friend, the suave 350 year-old Sebastian, decides he is in love with her. There is a pair of witches out to bind a jinni that get in the way. Lily becomes a target when they are attracted to Sebastian. Lily must prevail over the witches, keep her supernatural beaus from killing each other and ultimately choose one of them.

“Still Sucking in San Francisco” is a 65,000 word complete paranormal romance. This is my first novel. I have written over 100 online articles professionally for an Education website. I am an active member in RWA and my local chapter in San Francisco. “Still Sucking in San Francisco” was chosen as a finalist in the Chase the Dream Contest, 2010 and won second place.

Best wishes and thank you for your consideration,

Jessica McBrayer

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Location: New York

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by lightelement94 » June 18th, 2010, 8:41 pm

Dear Nathan,

It is 1820, and Miss Emily Trey, a twenty-year-old British expatriate, has just come to possess the most dangerous notebook in all of Italy. It belongs to Christian Harking: magician, scientist, and notorious liar. He is also Miss Trey’s mentor, and co-creator of the Morality Generator, a device capable of wrenching apart the boundaries between Heaven and Hell.

The discovery is the catalyst for a conflict that threatens all of Europe. The Venetian Church, powerless since the end of the Napoleonic Wars, will do anything to harness the strange new energy the magician and his protégé promise. The Republic of Lions, a clandestine philosophical society, will kill to keep this power out of the Church’s hands.

When Harking is murdered and the Morality Generator stolen, Miss Trey turns to Harking’s notebook, the evasive chronicle of his thievery, sabotage, and illusions since 1805, for answers. But as revolution looms over Venice and old enemies from England resurface, Miss Trey must work quickly to unearth the secrets behind Harking’s discoveries, or watch the city-state succumb to a war not quite of this world.

A devilish turn on the post-Napoleonic Era, THE MESSIAH NOTEBOOKS is an 80,000 word YA fantasy. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your response.

Alyson [Last name]
Republic of Lions| bloody brilliant

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Joined: June 18th, 2010, 8:26 pm

Query for Nomination - High-Concept Science Thriller: Sector

Post by phoenix » June 18th, 2010, 8:44 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford:

Cloning Ice Age mammoths and saber-tooth cats for canned hunts seems like a good business venture -- until it reintroduces the species-jumping pandemic that wiped out the megabeasts 8,000 years ago. Now history is about to repeat itself, with humans the next target for extinction.

Triple E Enterprises offers clients a chance to hunt endangered and exotic wildlife on the plains of North Dakota. For the really wealthy, there's the elite package in Sector C: exclusive specimens from the Pleistocene. The company is preparing to go public -- until people and livestock in the area start dying at an alarming rate.

CDC investigator Mike Shafer teams with veterinarian Donna Bailey to find out why. Their search for Patient Zero leads to the Triple E compound where the company is holding a high-dollar megahunt to get rid of the last of its infected stock. Problem is, the hunt is also exposing clients to the fatal disease. Even more troubling, the company is about to capitalize on the pandemic it unleashed by selling a possible cure to a Sino-Pakistani pharmaceutical that doesn't have U.S. interests at heart.

Three things stand in Mike and Donna's way of getting the potentially life-saving research to the CDC before it goes offshore: Triple E's hostile attempts to stop them, a raging wildfire set by arsonists, and a group of panicked megabeasts inadvertently released from Sector C.

But even if they do succeed, it may already be too late.

Drawing on tomorrow's science headlines, SECTOR C is an 82,000-word near-future thriller. I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.

Best regards,
Phoenix Sullivan

Past Member: RWA and SFWA

Jasmin El Morgan
Posts: 1
Joined: June 18th, 2010, 8:54 pm

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by Jasmin El Morgan » June 18th, 2010, 9:00 pm

Dear Mr. Bransford:

What do you do when a dead man walks into your life? Alexandra Maloney may be insane most of the time, curses dead people daily, sees things that quite possibly aren’t there. . . but she’s no fool. She runs. Problem is, three bullets stop her. Cold. When she survives the gun shots, a kidnapping, a near drowning in Lake Michigan, and a vicious attack from out-of-control blood hunters, she begins to wonder if the two bickering Watchers who appear suddenly and without warning might be right. That maybe, just maybe, she really is the stone cold killer the world has waited centuries for.

Deny it? Or give into duty in order to save humanity? To become the Executioner, she’ll have to unlock centuries old secrets, betray those she loves, become the very thing she’d cursed every day of her life. And suddenly the Whispers she’s heard in her head since childhood are the least of her problems.

THE DARK AND FRAGILE TALE OF THE EXECUTIONER is a fast-paced, 100,000 word urban fantasy romance novel set in Chicago. It will appeal to fans of Marjorie M. Liu’s world of Dirk & Steele, Meljean Brook’s backdrop of guardians and demons, and anyone who enjoys an action-packed, fantasy-filled romance. It could potentially be the first in a series.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

Jasmin El Morgan

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Joined: June 18th, 2010, 8:46 pm

Re: Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Post by MarikBerghs » June 18th, 2010, 9:19 pm

At the edge of an ancient forest, three teenagers find a flickering artifact drawing them into a search for the object's owner and pitting them against a souless killer.

When Fifteen-year old Lunabel finds a tiny slipper made of dragonfly wings and oak leaves her new classmate, Jeremy, whispers that he knows who owns the slipper. They enlist the aide of Jelly Jones in their search for the shoe’s owner, Jeremy’s missing half sister. Like most teenagers, the three have secrets. Lunabel can shatter glass, crack the bell in the church tower, or cause wood to smolder, with her voice. Jeremy is a mixed blood of two species neither of which is human; and Jelly is the daughter of a shaman and the granddaughter of a voodoo woman. The trio’s search puts them in the way of the Lord of the Hunt, who is a demon with his own agenda. They have to reveal their secrets, learn to trust in themselves and each other to stay alive.

Keepers of the Hidden Kingdom, is a complete 103,000 word, YA manuscript interspersed with series of illustrations, an Invention of Hugo Cabret style of graphic novel. The story is set in modern, small town America. The connection between two societies is interwoven with fantasy but the dilemma of how to accept differences in yourself and others is as real as life gets.

I've been a member of SCBWI for 7 years and have had nonfiction work published in books and magazines. This is my first fiction manuscript.


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