Page critique 3/16/23

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Joined: December 4th, 2009, 11:17 pm
Location: Pasadena, CA

Page critique 3/16/23

Post by Nathan Bransford » March 13th, 2023, 2:55 pm

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Working title: The Caravan
Corey didn’t want to leave, but, since his mother had already agreed, he was sure the General would leave him behind if he didn’t get in the ugly rusted out Hummer, so he did what he was told.
From the back seat, he watched as they passed the empty playground, the swings moving back and forth in the wind of the first morning light. For a moment he thought about Gill and Christy. They used to swing so high he thought any moment they’d swing in a full circle and end up wrapped around the pole. They had spoken up, but no one had listened. He hadn’t seen them in six years.
"We'll be safe soon," his mother said in her mousy voice. Everything about her was mousy from her size and coloring to her skittishness.
The General gave a dismissive laugh with his reply, "We're already safe." He went on about how great things would be once they arrived at the Grove, repeating the same tales he’d told them at the office and over dinner in Corey and his mother’s one room apartment. As he spoke in his loud commanding tone, his presence and voice filled the car, almost drowning out the sound of the gates closing.
“So see, there’s no need to worry,” The General said. But to Corey, the sound of the locks being put in place once the gate closed and the sight of the old city crumbling to ruins outside the wall told more truth than the General ever could.

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