Query critique 11/18/21

Offer up your page (or query) for Nathan's critique on the blog.
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Nathan Bransford
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Query critique 11/18/21

Post by Nathan Bransford » November 15th, 2021, 11:51 am

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a query for a future Query Critique, please do so here.

Dear [AGENT],


Smart and sensible Everly Peris couldn’t fathom a world where magick exists, but when a twist of fate brings her to the realm of Empyriam, everything she knows about her life is turned upside down. After meeting Noa Berrie, a budding scholar, she discovers her own connection to this world, the shocking truth about her past, and magickal power she possesses. As a frightening conspiracy begins to reveal itself, the lives of these two teenagers are irrevocably intertwined as they are thrust into a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse.


With the help of Blu, an incredibly skilled magist, and Psylor, a rambunctious faeyad, Noa and Everly navigate a whirlwind of deceptions and secrets while battling against the sinister forces that threaten to destroy Empyriam. When Everly is left without a shred of hope for her own survival, they each must shatter the bounds of their limitations and put the strength of their character to the test.


Can Everly embrace her newfound powers and save the realm? Or will Empyriam be forever marred by darkness and destruction?


THE EMPYRIAM CHRONICLES, complete at approximately 88,000 words, is the first book in a planned series for YA fantasy enthusiasts. At the forefront of this compelling story, the past and present collide and the mysteries of Empyriam begin to unravel, transporting both the reader and the characters into a world of magickal intrigue and adventure.


This is my first novel, which will appeal to your love of “girls who kick ass” with its representation of strong-minded female characters who don’t shy away from danger and definitely don’t mind getting their hands dirty!

Thank you for your time and consideration,

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: Query critique 11/18/21

Post by J. T. SHEA » November 16th, 2021, 12:25 am

Interesting. But somewhat general. More specific detail would help. Like introducing the Bad Guy(s) or Gals, if there are any. What makes this different from other YA fantasies?

katemargaret
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Re: Query critique 11/18/21

Post by katemargaret » November 21st, 2021, 2:47 pm

Thank you for your feedback! It is definitely way too vague - I did a rewrite and posted in Queries. If you'd like to take another look and let me know what you think I'd greatly appreciate it. Hopefully it's improved!

J. T. SHEA wrote: November 16th, 2021, 12:25 am Interesting. But somewhat general. More specific detail would help. Like introducing the Bad Guy(s) or Gals, if there are any. What makes this different from other YA fantasies?

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