My main problems seem to be in passive voice and character development. But I would like someone who would be willing to do line by line as well as overall.
Here is a small writing sample:
(No one has permission to copy)
I was trapped in a fairy circle, a contract with the fey pending, and a candle he wouldn’t give me so I could escape. I had to think fast. If I agree to come back at the next full moon, then Toren will let me leave. If I object however, I’ll be stuck here watching Hanna die from toadstool poisoned fairy darts and then taken to Tearden.
I watched Hanna’s body curl in on itself like a roley-poley then swell with shaky pain. Sweat stuck short strands of her blonde spikes to her forehead like glue. Her curdling screams pierced the circle of toadstools and they shuttered with ecstasy. Their mushroom tops expanding with dark red colors. I wanted to cover my ears.
“Alright Toren. I’ll be back with the next full moon. You have my word. Now give me back the candle.” I watched his miniature face twist with a wicked smile. A word can be broken right?
“It has been a pleasure Layla, but I’ll keep the candle for now.” Toren snapped his fingers and the toadstools sucked into the ground. A wave of air rushed over me, caressing me with grainy fairy dust. I shuttered realizing it was Toren’s way of claiming me. His smile widened as he placed a small bag in the pocket of his black silk shirt. He smoothed a stray white strand of hair back behind his ear and disappeared.
“Hanna!” I ran to her side and the second I touched her, the dust on my body slithered onto hers and the screams silenced.
“Layla, I thought…I would die,” she whispered. “What did you have to do to free me?”
“Don’t worry about it; let’s just get you home and safe.” I helped her to her feat and pushed the promise out of my mind. I can worry about how to get out of that later.
If you are interested please email me at ladywriter1(at)yahoo(dot)com