Feedback beginning of Time Tourism

[christi]

So, this is the opening scene (the first 450 words) of my story. This is what I've been sending as the writing sample with my query when the agent says they'll take the first few pages. If you feel up to it, please read through it and share your thoughts. This is a fantasy novel, so keep that in mind when you stumble upon strange names and things. Thanks so much in advance. You guys have all been so awesome.


Chapter 1: The Beginning

Too long. Jakfyr repeated the words like a mantra in his head. It strengthened his resolve and hurried his footsteps. It had gone on far too long.

Sheribai had to be stopped, and the search for the Thraxdil neared its end at last. The scent of the beast danced in the humid air that filled Jakfyr’s nostrils, and despite the moonless night he was able to see the trail of the rebel’s footsteps on the freshly tilled earth.

The hunt itself was easy for Jakfyr. It was what his kind lived for. Bryzintans were the ultimate predators, the ever-evolving and unfinished product of thousands of years of nature striving for perfection. Sometimes it was fun. Always it was necessary. There was an exception that brewed in his mind, however. Unlike most creatures he had taken down in the course of his life, this time Jakfyr’s conscience bellowed for vengeance.

In the distance, the glow of the windows from the farmstead acted as a beacon and broadcasted trouble was to be found there. It took little to deduce it was where the Thraxdil had gone. The tracks which headed north were clue enough, but there was not another house visible in the vicinity, and the creature Jakfyr hunted was in search of food. Not just any game, but the most forbidden animal their kind could devour: a human child.

The growl of diesel engines from the nearby interstate was all most would have heard on such a night, but Jakfyr's heightened senses could hear the child’s giggling, and the knowledge it still lived spurred his feet to move faster. He crossed the ground at great strides, his focus intent on the buildings ahead.

Speed. That was an advantage he had over his foe. A Thraxdil was large when not in its humanoid state. It was covered in fur from tip to tail of its monstrous form, each limb ending in sharp claws, and teeth which were long, wicked instruments of death that protruded from its lupine snout.

Jakfyr could boast no fur, but the Bryzintan’s other attributes were just as fatal. The ends of his slender fingers curled into lethal talons. His jaw expanded at will to accommodate the teeth which projected from his gums to over an inch in length, all ending in razor-sharp points meant for tearing flesh from bone. The Thraxdil outweighed him, but Jakfyr could outmaneuver him.

All he needed was time to get there.

He had to save the boy.

[Yoshima]

Me first! ;) Kudos for posting--I know how hard that is! Hope this helps you out!

So, this is the opening scene (the first 450 words) of my story. This is what I've been sending as the writing sample with my query when the agent says they'll take the first few pages. If you feel up to it, please read through it and share your thoughts. This is a fantasy novel, so keep that in mind when you stumble upon strange names and things. Thanks so much in advance. You guys have all been so awesome.


Chapter 1: The Beginning

Too long. That was what Jakfyr repeated in his head, again and again; (just personal pref. here, but I think the semicolon should be a comma) a mantra which strengthened his resolve and hurried his footsteps. It had gone on far too long.

Sheribai had to be stopped, and the search for him at last (move "at last" to the end. It flows better that way, in my opinion) neared its end. The scent of the beast danced in the humid air that filled Jakfyr’s nostrils, and through the pitch of the moonless (don't need pitch AND moonless. both say the same thing, bascially. pick the one you like better...I like moonless) night he was able to see the trail of the rebel’s footsteps on the freshly tilled earth. (Hmm. So it's pitch and moonless, but he can see footsteps? Maybe say "even through the pitch...." instead?)

The hunt itself was easy for Jakfyr. It was what his kind lived for. Bryzintans were the ultimate predators, the ever-evolving and unfinished product of thousands of years of nature striving for perfection. Sometimes it was fun. Always it was necessary. (I LOVE this paragraph.) There was an exception that brewed in his furious mind, however. Unlike most creatures he hadneeded totaken down in the course of his life, this time Jakfyr’s conscience bellowed for vengeance. (I love the word "bellowed." :) )

In the distance, the glow of the windows from the farmstead acted as a beacon and broadcasted the trouble that? was to be found there. It took little to deduce it was where the Thraxdil (wait...I thought the animal was a Sheribai? did I miss something?) had gone. The tracks which headed north were clue enough, but there was not another house visible in the vicinity, and the creature he hunted was in search of food. Not just any game, but the most forbidden animal their kind could devour: a human child. (Ooo. This really hit me. Now I'm very, very intrigued.)

The growl of diesel engines from the nearby interstate was all most would have heard on such a night, but the Bryzintan’s (I think using your MC's name would help us remember who we're following; right now I've kind of forgotten his name (partially because I wasn't sure how to pronounce it, and haven't been saying it in my head as I read), to be honest) heightened senses could hear the child’s giggling already, and the knowledge it still lived spurred his feet to move faster. He crossed the ground at great strides, his focus intent on the buildings which grew closer on the horizon. (The last bit slows down the movement I'm picturing)

Speed. That was an advantage he had over his foe. (Awesome.) A Thraxdil was large when not in its humanoid state. It was covered in fur from tip to tail of its monstrous form, each limb ending in sharp claws, and teeth which were long, wicked instruments of death that protruded from its lupine snout. (Ah, now I see it. I didn't even know it was in a humanoid form before.)

Jakfyr could boast no fur (love that), but the Bryzintan’s other attributes were just as fatal. The ends of his slender fingers curled into lethal talons, and his jaw expanded at will to accommodate the teeth which projected from his gums to over an inch in length, all ending in razor-sharp points meant for tearing flesh from bone. (looong sentece. Split up the fingers and the jaw descriptions.) The Thraxdil outweighed him, but Jakfyr could outmaneuver him and move faster. (outmaneuver and move faster in the same phrase is kind of redundant. Tell me more about how he moves. Any ninja-like talents? More about what makes him so unique.)

All he needed was time to get there.

He had to save the boy. (Great note to end on. Hope I get to see more someday. ;) )

One last thing. Since this is your opening, I really think you should explain these names. One of my pet peeves when opening a fantasy is not knowing how to picture the world/creatures/people. It's like mental limbo. Even just a teensy bit of description, like whether he's an animal or a human, would do wonders and not slow down the great action you've got going on.

[Holly]

Hi, Christi. You're very brave to post your opening.

The way I read it, I am in the head of the narrator. It would grab me more if I could be completely in Jakfyr's head. If this was my novel, I would drop the backstory and just focus on the hunt -- feet going through the grass, the sounds of the night, etc. When Jakfyr finds the creature, then I would describe what it looks like, not before. I would also weave the backstory in a little at a time as the action unfolds, instead of as an explanation on the first page.

I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck to you.

[Elizabeth Poole]

Hi Christi!

I would first like to reiterate what the other posters have said: you are brave for posting your beginning.

I am an avid fantasy reader myself, though I am extremely picky, and you have my interest. It’s a little difficult giving a critique on such a short excerpt, especially without the rest of the book in context, but I will do my best.

Honestly, I am not as turned off as I normally am with fantasy beginnings. Too often they start with the worldbuilding, and it’s hard to get into the book with the jumble of unfamiliar words and places. I think you are on the right track with starting your book with something everyone can relate to: a hunt. And not just a hunt, the hunting of a beast after something precious.

But I do think the beginning could be more engaging. You write well, and seem to have a good feel for the subject. I just think it suffers from first chapter maladies, when you aren’t sure exactly where the book starts. Personally, I would play around with taking almost every bit of description and worldbuilding save for the barest bones (like Yoshima mentioned) and focus on the hunt. You’re doing a great job of slipping description into the natural flow of the story, I would just see if you can hold off on it for a little while.

Try to start as close to “The tracks which headed north were clue enough, but there was not another house visible in the vicinity, and the creature he hunted was in search of food. Not just any game, but the most forbidden animal their kind could devour: a human child.” As you possibly can. From what I make of your excerpt, again hard to say since it’s a short piece, this is where your novel actually begins, and is what will hook your readers.

Also, a pet peeve of mine, label the character, and stay with the same tag. It took me a minute to realize that you were talking about Jakfyr when you kept saying “the Bryzintan”. I feel like it distances the reader from the main character when you switch back and forth, almost like omniscient voice, but not quite.

Also “growl of diesel engines” and “nearby interstate” makes me think this is set on Earth? If so, I would try to establish this as soon as possible.

I know, fantasy in general is a huge, royal pain in the you know what, and it’s hard to know when you’re over sharing or not sharing enough, so I would encourage you to keep asking other people’s opinion. I write fantasy myself, so I know how hard it is to gauge if you’ve explained something well or not.

Good luck!

[christi]

Thanks Yoshima, Holly, and Elizabeth.

Fantasy IS a pain in the butt. I've got so much going on and so many characters with new creatures that haven't been used before and it's set in the 1990s... I could go on and on why the set up is so hard. I didn't want to bog down the forum with a huge post, but the next several pages clear EVERYTHING up. Okay, not totally... I'll be honest. BUT being fantasy and doing the careful balance thing of show not tell, explain without preaching, not doing an info dump in a boring way... why can't I write simple stuff? Why must my brain insist on making everything so complicated? Stupid brain.

I was mostly concerned about boring or not flowing well. I know that any fantasy is going to be a bit of an adjustment so it's almost impossible for it to be SMOOTH, but I didn't want a reader to go 'wtf is this?' by the tenth page and give up on it. What I shared was the first two and so long as its understandable and written well, that's all I can hope for. Mostly that it's written well. That above all else is my worry, as I constantly fret that I suck and should go back to my day job (which I have to, just not yet. Still healing from surgery) that I hate so much and just suck it up.

Okay... rant done. I'm really glad you guys took the time to read through it. I made a few tweaks to it in the original post, and I'm just going to leave it at that for now. If it's enough to pique interest for a reader to read past this point, then I've done my job. I think.

[Holly]

Thanks Yoshima, Holly, and Elizabeth.

Fantasy IS a pain in the butt. I've got so much going on and so many characters with new creatures that haven't been used before and it's set in the 1990s... I could go on and on why the set up is so hard. I didn't want to bog down the forum with a huge post, but the next several pages clear EVERYTHING up. Okay, not totally... I'll be honest. BUT being fantasy and doing the careful balance thing of show not tell, explain without preaching, not doing an info dump in a boring way... why can't I write simple stuff? Why must my brain insist on making everything so complicated? Stupid brain.

I was mostly concerned about boring or not flowing well. I know that any fantasy is going to be a bit of an adjustment so it's almost impossible for it to be SMOOTH, but I didn't want a reader to go 'wtf is this?' by the tenth page and give up on it. What I shared was the first two and so long as its understandable and written well, that's all I can hope for. Mostly that it's written well. That above all else is my worry, as I constantly fret that I suck and should go back to my day job (which I have to, just not yet. Still healing from surgery) that I hate so much and just suck it up.

Okay... rant done. I'm really glad you guys took the time to read through it. I made a few tweaks to it in the original post, and I'm just going to leave it at that for now. If it's enough to pique interest for a reader to read past this point, then I've done my job. I think.

I do think you could tighten up your writing. For example, "Too long. That was what Jakfyr repeated in his head, again and again, a mantra which strengthened his resolve and hurried his footsteps. It had gone on far too long." could be tightened to "Too long. Jakfyr repeated the mantra..." Your writing will have more impact if you take out extra words like "That was" plus say the same thing in fewer words. Extra words don't increase the impact. They take it away.

I'm sorry to hear about your surgery and hope you are on the mend. I understand what you mean about not wanting to go back to a day job just yet, but you know that this writing stuff can go on for months and years, so you have to be realistic and take care of yourself. Keep working at your craft. Right now I'm in the same boat. I'm making final edits (I hope) and have to face going back to work full time in about a month.

[christi]

I see what you're saying, Holly.

And yeah, I'm not deluding myself about being able to be so successful that I get to quit having a day job. I know most writers have to keep one while they write, even if they are best sellers. I was just spouting lunacy, as usual. At this point all I have is a stack of rejection letters, so the bleakness sets in once in a while. But I'll keep writing. It's what I love to do, just like all of us, I'm sure.

How's this for tighter?

"Too long. Jakfyr repeated the words like a mantra in his head. It strengthened his resolve and hurried his footsteps. It had gone on far too long."

[stardog911]

Hang in Christi! As they say, it only takes one yes!:)
I'm a mom of five (and my neice now lives with us, so that makes six!) doesn't leave much time to write. lol.
I started my own writing right after surgery though and took it as a chance to do nothing but write for six weeks. :) This is a great forum, lots of good info. keep up the good work!

[Elizabeth Poole]

Christi's excerpt, with my changes directly into the text: (sorry, I don't know how to do that html coding strike through stuff)

"Too long. Jakfyr repeated the words like a mantra in his head. It strengthened his resolve and hurried his footsteps. It had gone on far too long.

Acting like a beacon and broadcasting trouble, the farmstead’s windows glowed in the distance. A perfect target for the Thraxdil. The scent of the beast danced in the humid air that filled Jakfyr’s nostrils, and despite the moonless night he was able to see the trail of the rebel’s footsteps on the freshly tilled earth, heading north. The tracks were clue enough, but there was not another house visible in the vicinity, and the creature Jakfyr hunted was in search of food. Not just any game, but the most forbidden animal their kind could devour: a human child.

Sheribai had to be stopped, and the search for the Thraxdil neared its end at last. (this statement makes no sense to me, I don’t understand the connection between Sheribai and the Traxdil, so I am leaving it as is. But this sentence still bothers me. I feel like you’re jumping ahead a bit…maybe push this back a little further? Or is Sheribai the name of the Thraxdil?).

The hunt itself was easy for Jakfyr. It was what his kind lived for. Bryzintans were the ultimate predators, the ever-evolving and unfinished product of thousands of years of nature striving for perfection. Sometimes it was fun. Always it was necessary. There was an exception that brewed in his mind, however. Unlike most creatures he had taken down in the course of his life, this time Jakfyr’s conscience bellowed for vengeance. (why is this hunt the exception? Because he wants revenge on the Thraxdil?)

The growl of diesel engines from the nearby interstate was all most would have heard on such a night, but Jakfyr's heightened senses could hear the child’s giggling, and the knowledge the child still lived spurred his feet to move faster. He crossed the ground at great strides, his focus intent on the buildings ahead.

Speed: an advantage he had over his foe. A Thraxdil was large when not in its humanoid state. It was covered in fur from tip to tail of its monstrous form, each limb ending in sharp claws, and teeth which were long, wicked instruments of death that protruded from its lupine snout.

Jakfyr could boast no fur, but his other Bryzintan attributes were just as fatal. The ends of his slender fingers curled into lethal talons. His jaw expanded at will to accommodate the teeth which projected from his gums to over an inch in length, all ending in razor-sharp points meant for tearing flesh from bone. The Thraxdil outweighed him, but Jakfyr could outmaneuver him.

All he needed was time to get there.

He had to save the boy."


Okay, I just mangled your story up a bit. ;) All with the best of intentions!

You can certainly change the paragraphs back, but I feel like it’s better we know what Jakfyr is doing and why right away. Once you raise the stakes (oh nooos! A baby!) I think it will hook them through the rest of Jakfyr’s hunt. I also reworded the sentence, because correct me if I am too passive-voice crazy (which might be true, since I am about to rename my novel “A Salute to Passive Voice”) but “that was to be found there” is very hard to read.

I know, I know, fantasy can be a HUGE pain.(not that other books AREN’T a huge pain in their own special ways) *hugs her* I write fantasy, and I am editing at the moment, and I found a shockingly large info dump. Ouch. I try to write normal fiction, about normal people, but then something crops up, and a faerie finds it’s way into the book, and then someone performs some magic…

The best thing I have ever done for my worldbuilding is pretend the reader already knows a lot of what I would normally explain. Most of the time the explanation is over kill, because the reader can naturally infer and intuit a lot of information about your world (or your creatures and magic, as is the case with Urban Fantasy). Another tactic that helps me, is while editing, I put the question the worldbuilding info in the text is supposed to be answering right next to it. If I repeat the same question many times, it’s a good sign to cut out some of my explanations of the planet’s political infrastructures. And if I can’t find the purpose of the worldbuilding bits, out it goes entirely.

So yes, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I am here. I hope you’re healing up well, and going back to the day job does suck. I actually enjoy my day job, although I secretly suspect (like all writers do, I am sure) if I could just sit at home all day, I would be penning my masterpiece. Although, I have noticed getting out of the house, and thinking about something completely non-writing related is helpful to me, and I get a lot of Eureka! moments while I am otherwise occupied, so on the bright side, maybe your day job could do the same for you.

Good luck! Feel free to disregard any changes I have made, of course.

[Holly]

I see what you're saying, Holly.

And yeah, I'm not deluding myself about being able to be so successful that I get to quit having a day job. I know most writers have to keep one while they write, even if they are best sellers. I was just spouting lunacy, as usual. At this point all I have is a stack of rejection letters, so the bleakness sets in once in a while. But I'll keep writing. It's what I love to do, just like all of us, I'm sure.

How's this for tighter?

"Too long. Jakfyr repeated the words like a mantra in his head. It strengthened his resolve and hurried his footsteps. It had gone on far too long."

Good, except the first "It" refers to plural "words," so you want another word at the beginning of the second sentence. Maybe "The words." Love the craft aspect of writing. And don't be discouraged. We're all in the boat.