Excerpt - The Dim Man

[Ermo]

Hi -

I am looking for some honest critiques of a sample paragraph from my current project. I picked this selection because I think it's fairly representative of my writing style and I wanted to get some expert eyes on it to correct mistakes, etc., before I make my second draft a complete nightmare. This is the first draft. Thanks!

The ideas began to drip and then pour in as the meeting progressed. Webster furiously scribbled each one to the white board and when the white board was full, he'd instruct someone to copy them all down and he'd wipe it clean with the sleeve of his white shirt. The meeting fulfilled Webster's wildest fantasies about the boardroom when he first walked thru it with the leasing agent. He even told the woman, Denise, he never forgot a name, that "this will be the epicenter of a great think tank." He remembered her reaction, all dressed up in her gray pants suit, high heels, and blonde up-do, when she politely smiled that red lipstick smile and said, "I'm sure it will be." That's the thing about greatness, he told himself, is that few get there because so few have the imagination. No imagination and department store suits are how you end up leasing the building to the man with the ideas rather than being the man with the ideas. While she's chasing three percent commission, I'm one hundred percent owner of my destiny. Oh, for her to stroll in now, to see this room buzzing with innovation. There was, however, something missing. With each idea that he added to the white board and with each darkening shade of blue of his shirt sleeve, he began to realize that none of these ideas were what he had hoped to hear. None of them were world changers. Few were even original. There were ideas to build web sites for at-home mothers that linked them with employers seeking freelancers. There were phone applications that worked as pedometers and calorie counters. There was even one brave young man that suggested they build a search engine dedicated solely to porn. Even Josh's idea, the best one of the day, had been tried and failed. Creativity on demand, though, was difficult to muster. You couldn't ask these people to come up with a great original idea on the spot any more than you could ask Yo-Yo Ma to write and play his next great concert.

[LydiaSharp]

First off, I have to say how very brave it is of you to post your writing on a forum run by an agent. Kudos.

In my opinion, there are three paragraphs here, not one. Generally speaking, the subject matter is intriguing enough that, if there had been more, I would have kept reading. The only thing that really threw me off was his internal aside. It pulled me away from the scene too much. Maybe make that part more concise.

This is all just the opinion of one reader, though. Others may feel differently.

Good luck, and happy writing!

[Yoshima]

Agreed. It's so hard to open yourself up to critique. Kudos, Ermo! Here's my thoughts, and remember that this is your piece. Don't let anyone screw with your writing or tell you how to screw with your writing (because there's a good chance those two instances will screw it up).

Now then! :) On to the thoughts.

Hi -

I am looking for some honest critiques of a sample paragraph from my current project. I picked this selection because I think it's fairly representative of my writing style and I wanted to get some expert eyes on it to correct mistakes, etc., before I make my second draft a complete nightmare. This is the first draft. Thanks!

The ideas began to drip and then pour in as the meeting progressed. ("began to" feels passive to me. By adding "began to" I'm assuming you're trying to give the impression of extra slowness or that boring part of a meeting where for the first five minutes nobody says anything important. But, in my opinion, dripping is already a slow motion. Maybe just stick to action verbs?) Webster (great name!) furiously scribbled each one to the white board and when the white board was full, he'd instruct someone to copy them all down and he'd wipe it clean with the sleeve of his white shirt. The meeting fulfilled Webster's wildest fantasies about the boardroom when he first walked thru (through. we're not at McD's.) it with the leasing agent. He even told the woman, Denise, he never forgot a name (I think this phrase should go in dashes or parenthesis), that "this will be the epicenter of a great think tank." He remembered her reaction, all dressed up in her gray pants suit, high heels, and blonde up-do, when she politely smiled that red lipstick smile (meaning she has that weird reddish stain on her teeth? I'm assuming you mean it to be a charming smile, but that's what I see when I imagine a red lipstick smile.) and said, "I'm sure it will be." That's the thing about greatness, he told himself, (right now you've got "that's" which is "that is" functioning as the subject for your "is" right here. So it reads "That is the thing about greatness is that..." and that's not correct. I suggest ending the first part at "himself" and starting then next sentence with something like "So few get there because...." or whatever you want. I think it gives it more punch that way.) is that few get there because so few have the imagination. No imagination and department store suits are how you end up leasing the building to the man with the ideas rather than being the man with the ideas. While she's chasing three percent commission, I'm one hundred percent (the) owner of my destiny (love!). Oh, for her to stroll in now, to see this room buzzing with innovation (ha! love this too.). There was, however, something missing. With each idea that he added to the white board and with each darkening shade of blue of his shirt sleeve (love this description), he began to realize that none of these ideas were what he had hoped to hear. None of them were world changers (hyphenated?). Few were even original. There were ideas to build web sites (one word) for at-home mothers that linked them with employers seeking freelancers (freelance what? writers? real estate agents? be more specific here, if you haven't told us what business he's in already.). There were phone applications that worked as pedometers and calorie counters. There was even one brave young man that suggested they build a search engine dedicated solely to porn (HA!! Then it could be another spammer for Nathan's forum.). Even Josh's idea, the best one of the day, had been (omit been) tried and failed. Creativity on demand, though, was difficult to muster. You couldn't ask these people to come up with a great original idea on the spot any more than you could ask Yo-Yo Ma to write and play his next great concert.

Ermo, I really liked your voice and I felt like I was on my way to getting to know your character. Great job on that! I do, however, think the switch from scene to introspective thought was a little abrupt. I'm not sure how you could remedy that, though. Using italics for specific word-for-word thoughts might help, but you've got like half the paragraph inside his head. Hmm. Agree with Lydia Sharp about this being too long for one single paragraph. Breaking it up might help make the transition from scene to thought seem a little more defined instead of just lumped together like it is now. I hope an outside perspective helps you with your second draft. Good luck!

[Dankrubis]

The ideas began to drip and then pour in as the meeting progressed. I have a problem with 'began to drip and then pour.' Watch the words 'began' and 'start.' They're so easy to overuse and they can murder prose faster than a 9mm. Webster furiously scribbled each one to on? the white board and when the white board was full, he'd instruct someone to copy them all down and he'd wipe it clean with the sleeve of his white shirt. This last sentence is wordy and choppy. I'd rewrite it to make it flow better. The meeting fulfilled Webster's wildest fantasies about the boardroom when he first walked thru is 'thru' an honest-to-god word? The only place I've seen it used repeatedly is "Drive-thru." Other than that and emails or twitter updates, I think it should be "through." I could very well be wrong, though. it with the leasing agent. He even told the woman, Denise, he never forgot a name, that "this will be the epicenter of a great think tank." He remembered her reaction, all dressed up in her gray pants suit, high heels, and blonde up-do, when she politely smiled that red lipstick smile and said, "I'm sure it will be." That's the thing about greatness, he told himself, is that few get there because so few have the imagination. No imagination and department store suits are how you end up leasing the building to the man with the ideas rather than being the man with the ideas. This is funky. If you take out the pants suit thing, you're saying "Having no ideas is how you end up leasing the building to the man with the ideas rather than being the man with ideas." While she's chasing three percent commission, I'm one hundred percent owner of my destiny. So, the aim you had for the previous sentence with the ideas? You hit the target with this sentence. Oh, for her to stroll in now, to see this room buzzing with innovation. There was, however, something missing. With each idea that he added to the white board and with each darkening shade of blue of his shirt sleeve, he began to realize that none of these ideas were what he had hoped to hear. None of them were world changers. Few were even original. There were ideas to build web sites for at-home mothers that linked them with employers seeking freelancers. There were phone applications that worked as pedometers and calorie counters. There was even one brave young man that suggested they build a search engine dedicated solely to porn. Even Josh's idea, the best one of the day, had been tried and failed. Creativity on demand, though, was difficult to muster. You couldn't ask these people to come up with a great original idea on the spot any more than you could ask Yo-Yo Ma to write and play his next great concert.

Pretty decent for a first draft. But it definitely reads like a first draft. I agree with everything Yoshima said, plus how it's a little much for one paragraph. I could definitely see three. Good, though.

[JustineDell]

The ideas began to drip and then pour in as the meeting progressed. Webster furiously scribbled each one to the white board and when the white board was full, he'd instruct someone to copy them all down and he'd wipe it clean with the sleeve of his white shirt. I think this sentence is too long for my preferences. Maybe you could try something like "Webster furiously scribbled each one down on the whiteboard. Once it was full, he's instruct someone to copy everything down and then he'd wipe it clean with the sleeve of his white shirt."The meeting fulfilled Webster's wildest fantasies about the boardroom when he first walked thru it with the leasing agent. He even told the woman, Denise, he never forgot a name, that "this will be the epicenter of a great think tank." He remembered her reaction, all dressed up in her gray pants suit, high heels, and blonde up-do, when she politely smiled that red lipstick smile and said, "I'm sure it will be."

New Paragraph That's the thing about greatness, he told himself, is that few get there because so few have the imagination. This first sentence confused me just bit. I know what you are trying to say, but the wording was off for me. Plus, if you are in Webster's POV, you don't necessarily need the "he told himself" part. Maybe it would be smoother something like this, "Webster had always told himself one thing about greatness; few people get there because so few have the imagination. No (add comma after 'No") imagination and department store suits are how you end up leasing the building to the man with the ideas rather than being the man with the ideas. While she's chasing three percent commission, I'm one hundred percent owner of my destiny. Is this book in 1st person? You have switched from referring to him as "Webster" to "I" in this last sentence. Oh, for her to stroll in now, to see this room buzzing with innovation. There was, however, something missing. With each idea that he added to the white board and with each darkening shade of blue of his shirt sleeve, he began to realize that none of these ideas were what he had hoped to hear.

New Paragraph None of them were world changers. Few were even original. There were ideas to build web sites for at-home mothers that linked them with employers seeking freelancers. There were phone applications that worked as pedometers and calorie counters. There was even one brave young man that suggested they build a search engine dedicated solely to porn. Even Josh's idea, the best one of the day, had been tried and failed. Creativity on demand, though, was difficult to muster. You couldn't ask these people to come up with a great original idea on the spot any more than you could ask Yo-Yo Ma to write and play his next great concert.

First and foremost, please know that I am no way a professional. I like to critque, that is true, but that doesn't mean what I say it right. I have added some of my personal insights to your paragraph. Overall, I think you've done a great job. I seperated the paragraphs because it was very long as one, but you have given us a decent amount of information in such a short blurp. It certainly makes me wonder what the story is about and what exactly Webster is trying to accomplish is his newly acquired boardroom. Nice job!

[Ermo]

Thank you so much for taking the time Lydia, Justine, Dan and Yoshima!! This is truly a first draft - I didn't really even edit it once myself - but I wanted to get some opinions from the writers on these forums. I will gladly return the favor for you guys, whether you post an excerpt on here, or if you want to email me something (leeaggio@gmail.com). Thanks again!