The Fantasmagorical Forest - opening chapter

[sldwyer]

First attempt at YA Fantasy. Would love some feedback.

Chapter One


“Mom, you can't mean that.” Katelin slouched against the doorframe to her mother's bedroom, arms crossed, a scowl on her face. “It would be like totally not cool. You're kidding, aren't you?” Katelin’s short blonde hair, now accented by bangs with pink stripes, framed a heart shaped face. Vivid green eyes stared daggers from beneath the bangs. Her small nose and pouting lips make her look younger than fifteen, which she hated. She wore short - much too short - cut-off, frayed jean shorts and a tee shirt emblazoned with her latest music artist.
“No, I’m not kidding,” Deanna said in a calm voice while she sorted through clothes she needed to take with her to Chicago for training on her new job. She walked back into her closet. She couldn’t make up her mind what she wanted to take, casual, but not too casual. After all, she would be sitting in a class all day and had no intention of going out in the evenings. Deep in concentration, she jumped when Katelin started in again.
“But, Mom...” Katelin cried. Her voice whinny and getting louder by the minute.
“No buts. You and your brother are going and I don't want to hear another word about it.”
“About what? Where are we going?” At eleven years old, Simon always seemed to show up at the end of someone’s conversation, not a clue as to what it was all about. “Hey, we going on a vacation this summer? I thought you had to work, Mom?”
“I do and yes, you and your sister are going out of town for a while,” Deanna said. “A break will be good for both of you.”
“Yeah, to some hillbilly shack in the middle of nowhere.” Katelin made a face at her brother. “I have plans for the summer.”
“Sure, chasing after Corey,” Simon said as he flopped down on his mothers freshly made bed. Sunlight streamed in through the open slates of the window shutters casting bright stripes across the room.
“Shut up, nerd. At least I have a life. You just sit in your room and play those silly games on your computer. You could have a vacation in a subway and think it was fun.”
“At least I know how to use a computer and I happen to like Subway sandwiches.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Katelin shot back.
“Okay, enough you two.” Deanna came out of her closet with an arm-load of clothes. “You're both going to love it. I spent my summers there when I was growing up.”
“You talking about old Nana Carter?” Simon asked, laying across the bed staring at the family picture on the nightstand. His blonde hair, spiked with gel, stood at all angles. He had the same green eyes as his sister, although they were full of mischief instead of anger. Slight of build, he couldn’t wait to grow out of his baby stature. He wore his usual summer attire, cargo shorts and a sleeveless tank top. His thin legs looked like string poles sticking out of his red high-top sneakers.
“Yes, I am. Do you remember all the stories I told you about her?” Deanna said. She gazed out the window, her mind slipping away to a more simple time in her life. A time when she wasn’t faced with a mountain of decisions and problems from the time she woke until finally slipping into a restless sleep. Self-consciously, she twisted her long ponytail.
Simon’s voice brought her back to the argument at hand.“Yeah. But, does she have cable TV?” he asked.
“No. I don't think she has a TV at all.”
“Oh.My.God. We are going to be out in hillbilly heaven and no TV. What are we supposed to do all day, learn how to quilt?” Katelin pushed off the doorframe and stood with her hands on her hips. “I’m not going and you can’t make me.” She dared her mother to say she could.
Exasperated, Deanna sighed and said, “Yes, you are and yes I can. A few weeks in the valley will go by faster than you can imagine.” She looked over at her daughter, hoping the argument was over.
Katelin couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ”Not fast enough.” Katelin scowled at her mother. “There’s this like gigantean pool party and everyone is going to be there. I can’t miss it.”
“Yeah, Corey’s gonna be there,” Simon taunted his sister.
“Shut up, nerd ball.” She turned toward her mother. “This is the party of the summer. I’ll be the only one in the whole class at school that won’t be there .” Katelin jammed her hands on her hips and said, “If Dad was still here he wouldn’t make me go away,” She stomped out of the room.
Deanna took a deep breath and sat on her bed and thought, If your dad was still here, you wouldn’t have to go. We would have our summer vacation as we always have. The life they once had disappeared when David died suddenly. Now she found each day a struggle and having to go out of town their first summer without him made it even more difficult.
She let out the breath she was holding.
“Now, I guess, I’m the bad guy around here,” she said, barely above a whisper, forgetting Simon was still in the room.
For a moment an oppressive silence hung in the air, then Simon bounced up off the bed and stood in front of her. “Don’t worry about it, mom. She’ll get over it. Anyway, she’d be totally freaked if she went and found out Corey was bringing a date.” He gave his mother one of his I’m so smart smiles.
“And how would you know that, young man?” she asked.
“Everybody knows.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Well, everybody but Katelin.”
“Simon, it isn’t nice to be happy over something that will end up hurting your sister.”
“Yeah, maybe. But she’s always saying mean things to me.”
“Have you told her she hurts your feelings when she says those things?”
“Yeah, right. As if she cares.” He started to leave the room.
Deanna reached for her son and wrapped him in one of her bear hugs. “I know it’s been hard since your dad died. We’ve all had to learn to get through each day without him.”
Simon took a deep breath and said, “I miss him so much, mom.” His eyes took in the picture of the family once again.
“We all do, honey. We all do.”

[LurkingVirologist]

Good start. If I might make a couple suggestions:

1) consider omitting the lines about their father having died suddenly. The dialogue bit about him being gone sets the reader up with two possible conclusions (he's left or he's dead), both of which have similar emotional implications for the scene, so you can parcel the specifics of his death out later on. It feels a bit shoe-horned in since that scene isn't explicitly related to his death (i.e. it's not a funeral or anniversary or something). Just having the line "I know it's been hard..." or "I miss him so much" at the end of the excerpt covers it for us, and I think you can add in more details in the next few chapters. There's plenty in the dialogue that shows us they're all emotional and struggling to move on; you don't need to tell us since you've already shown us .

2)I like your descriptions of the two kids, especially the "string pole" legs, but it again feels a little like an info-dump. I struggle terribly with trying to fit descriptions into scenes, so take my suggestion here with a grain of salt, but have you considered working some of the details (hair color, eye color, etc) into action descriptions? So if you talk about somebody fiddling with their hair, you drop in that it's 'pink-streaked' or somebody's eyes 'sparkle' and you mention their color. I'm not saying to remove the descriptions, just tighten them up and maybe split them up a bit so it doesn't interrupt the flow of the conversation.

Also, I loved

"Oh.My.God. We are going to be out in hillbilly heaven"

These sound like fun, quip-ey characters.

[sldwyer]

Thank you for the suggestions. I also struggle with painting an image of the characters with descriptions.I usually fit it into the story as I write, but this time I wanted a vivid image of what these kids looked like since it is YA and I don't want to use a lot of prose. I will relook at this chapter and see where I can take away and add somewhere else.
The fact about the father. You are right on about not having to say he is gone - the conversation lets you know. I really felt we should know he is dead instead of leaving on is own because it lends to Katelin's attitude. His death can be explained in later chapters.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and comment.